February 3rd, 2012
Your Schwabipedia answers!

Many of you have taken advantage of my information services during
the Wiki blackout and I hope I did not disappoint...

Q: Has a sawfish ever historically built a house or anything of significance, or is
the reason they are endangered because they are just plain lazy...
Just sittin around with a perfectly good saw on their face?

A: Actually, sawfish are incredibly adept at construction. The only problem is, well...

Do you have any idea how difficult it is for a fish to secure the proper building permits?
Just ask the hammerhead shark and the nail-gun squid.

Q: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?

A: The formula varies taking into consideration tongue coarseness and saliva production. There is no definitive answer.

If a cartoon owl tells you "three", slap that lying bastard. He just
takes two licks then bites the goddamn thing.

Q: How does one achieve self-actualization?

A: Self-actualization is achieved when you finally realize you are just about as stupid as everyone else.

Abraham Maslow peddled a bunch of horseshit.

Q: What exactly is the missing link?

A: The Missing Link is the fossil from the stage of evolution between two early primates that we have yet to find because God has hidden the bones he created 6000 years ago.

Q: Can a woodchuck really chuck all the wood it can?

A: No.... woodchucks, (also known as land-trouts), are surprisingly unmotivated. That is just some propaganda that the woodchuck advocacy groups would have you swallow. In the late 19th century, people were less inclined to take the pelts from industrious animals. Hence, that little tongue-twister was spread to keep the notoriously lazy woodchuck from going extinct.

Q: What is in scrapple?

A: A surprising amount of woodchuck meat.

It's originally a recipe from the Amish; a people that knew precisely just how non-industrious woodchucks are.

Q: Whatever happened to Don Johnson?

A: It's not terribly publicized yet, but he's been trying to market Crockett & Tubbs marital aids.

Naturally, "Tubbs" is bigger & darker, and "Crockett" is stubbled 'for her pleasure.'

January 18th, 2012
A Bright, White Light in the Blackout...

Since Wikipedia is down due to the SOPA protest blackout, feel free to
ask me anything on any subject. I should be able to give you the info you need. "Schwabipedia" is open! Submit your questions now at

dan@keytoons.com

January 4th, 2012
Coming Soon...

This is not necessarily going to be the book cover, but
just to give you an idea of what's to come.
This will be a compilation of 5 years worth of comic strips,
(new stuff that has not been in print or on my KeyToons website),
some humorous essays, fun with Photoshop, and weird lists with
accompanying illustrations.

Fingers crossed... Spring 2012, y'all.

November 10th, 2011
So Long, Bil.

‎89 year-old "Family Circus" creator Bil Keane passed away Tuesday. In honor of the fact that, despite his family-appeal comic strip, he had a cheekier sense of humor, I'm going to run this old strip I did with a friend of mine years ago for a college paper.

By the way, check out the lower right-hand corner. The strip ran exactly 18 years ago to the date of Keane's death. Weird.

Click to Enlarge

P.S. Also, "Ziggy" cartoonist Tom Wilson passed away 2 months ago. I didn't mention it because I kinda felt a little guilty about the "Ziggy 40th birthday" gags I did earlier this summer.

November 8th, 2011
Dark, Secret Tales of the Muppet Babies #3

Since we've all got Muppet fever for the Muppet Movie due out for Thanksgiving, I've decided to do a new installment of "The Dark, Secret Tales of the Muppet Babies"

Enjoy.

Click Here

November 6th, 2011
LiveJournaling Doesn't Pay

About six or seven years ago when MySpace was in its infancy and Facebook was not on anyone's radar, I was part of "LiveJournal." A social site that is only utilized nowadays by hipsters that think they're "too cool" for Facebook.

I didn't really use it as a blog. I used it humorously as a fictional struggling business employing weird fictional characters. I thought my LiveJournal page was lost to the ages, but I came across the old password and it was still there waiting for me.

I transferred the pertinent contents to my KeyToons site so you can check it out here
if you'd like.

Dan's LiveJournal

By the way, I did not qualify for the "Florida's Funniest Comedian" finals. I was sick as a dog and, quite frankly, even if I was healthy, there were comics there that were just plain better than me.
Thanks to all that were rooting for me. And to all that weren't rooting for me,
what the hell, guys?

P.S. The Buford's Beach Bunnies Review is almost done. Sorry it's taking so long...

October 22nd, 2011
The Fantasy and the Funny

Enjoy Fantasy Fest, folks! I would love to dig some of the fun this week, but I am busy concentrating on my stand-up material, as I am a semi-finalist for "Florida's Funniest Comedian" at Ft. Lauderdale's Improv on Wednesday the 26th.

On Saturday, depending how the contest turns out, you will see either a very happy or a very sad Dan on the News~Barometer Fantasy Fest float. Happy or sad... either way, I'll be drunk.

August 5th, 2011
Mack Puncherson

click to enlarge

July 1st, 2011
ZIGGY TURNS 40! (And I celebrate it tastelessly)

Ziggy has turned 40 years old and Tom Wilson II (Electric Boogaloo), is celebrating by having a caption contest. I was thinking about trying it out, but my entries got a little dark and so I decided I should just share them with you fine folks. Brace yourself, they get worse after the one below...

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ZIGGY BIRTHDAY FUN!

May 26th, 2011
Little-Known Key West Fun Facts!

"Sloppy Joes' meat is comprised of 35% beef, 20% filler, and 45% tourists that have gone missing under sketchy circumstances.

It is a widely-held belief that it's good luck to rub your bare genitalia upon the Southernmost Point Buoy.

Toby Keith, when in town, can often be found sniffing the Southernmost Point Buoy.

Many of the homeless people on the Key West streets are actually magic genies in disguise. Do not hesitate to ask them for things like money and cars. You might just get lucky...

The real reason for Henry Flagler's Overseas Railroad was so he could expand his opium and sex-slave trade.

If you even SAY the words "cheeseburger" "paradise" " Margaritaville" "coconut" or "telegraph", Jimmy Buffett's lawyers WILL sue the @#$% out of you. (Weird footnote: that also includes the term, "nipple play". Nobody knows why...)

If you tip 50 bucks to the tour guide at The Hemingway House, he will show you the room that contains Hemingway's skeleton, devices from his sex-dungeon, and his unpublished novel, "Papa Likes Smooth-Chested Native Boys".

Also...

Manatee tastes delicious.

April 26th, 2011
Dark, Secret Tales of the Muppet Babies

It's really self explanatory. Check it out HERE.

P.S. I shall be updating the Buford's Beach Bunnies page on KeyToons Late Night very soon.

February 8th, 2011
Key West Mad Libs

Click to Download a blank Mad Libs page for yourself!

January 23rd, 2011
Up All Night with Rhonda Shear... I mean KeyToons!

In my efforts to make this website more about humor and not just cartoons, I bring you the first installment (of the first installment) of KeyToons: Late Night Reviews. Every now and again, I'll review some cheesy B-movie, awful TV show, crummy literature, or Senate Appropriations Bill, (okay... probably not the last one...)

Click above to check out the first part of my review of the 1993 romp, "Buford's Beach Bunnies"

January 13th, 2011
T in yo' F

‎"Tweets in yo' Face" on my KeyToons site is a collection of Twitter and Facebook posts I've come up with, (both drunk & sober), over the past few years. I kinda like them and I'd hate to see them disappear. As time goes on they get harder and harder to access while they sink deep into my social network archives. I hope you enjoy this best-of repository of my mindless blather...
Why "Tweets in yo' Face?" It was the only title I could come up with where I could use both the Twitter and Facebook logos. The title may change...

Click on the above logo to check it out.

November 29th, 2010
Waiting For Dr. Porter

A bit of artwork I did for the awesome and haunted bar, The Porch, located within the Porter Mansion at 429 Caroline St. in Key West.

Click to enlarge

October 30th, 2010
A Fantasy-Fest Gift

In honor of Fantasy Fest, check out my FF-themed strips from a few years ago...

See them HERE!

Oct 23rd, 2010
This Week in WordPress Spam

I've had a WordPress link to my KeyToons website for the past year in hopes that I might keep up a blog to accompany the site. Turns out, I'm not that motivated. Imagine that.

Anyhoozle, some of the spam is just absolutely bonzo, and I figured I'd share some of it with you good folks...

Today's spam is for some sort of hair extension product from the fine and literate people from Superstrands.com:

We spark a mammoth kind of plaits extensions and push them here entirely in our factory rat on, theres no mean houseman so entire lot you see on sale here is at heavily discounted prices. We beget no greater than legitimate remy hair. You wont turn up synthetic hair here as it righteous doesnt match the grandeur of our 100% kindly hair.

If your wanting instant imaginary looking famousness style hair without any of the intricate knead then youve give up to the redress place. Our most popular product is our in every respect renonwed cutting in tresses extensions.

Wearing Clip extensions in mane extensions is undemanding! Altogether immortalize your curls, announce in the hit, snap it closed and you’re done. After putting them in afew times youll quickly arrest hand-me-down to them, before long youll be able to attach your locks extensions with your eyes closed!.

Smack in's are by means of decidedly the easiest method for absurd second hair and it comes without any commitments, simply proceeds them dated when you dont need them, filch them in at manifest tenebrousness and send away them in again when your fit out!

We also purveying pre bonded braids against salons or with a view those of you who knows how to use them (masterly plaits stylists recommended). Weaves over the extent of those of you who want to sow on your own clips. Decisively our latest increment (coming soon) is our single fraction curls extensions against the fastest moment look.

Knock off chance to look through our hair's breadth extensions, if you organize any questions impartial seek our physical team for take, if we dont have what you have need of induct us distinguish and we can in all probability beget it for you in our works!

Now admit it, THAT was a fab sales pitch. A pitch that could only be understood if you were on acid or an author of Japanese-to-English vacuum cleaner instruction booklets.

So, I've organized a question... who wouldn't want kindly hair? Especially from a factory that has no mean houseman. That is usually one of my caveats when hair-extension shopping.

And the instructions are so simple! "Altogether immortalize your curls, announce in the hit, snap it closed and you’re done." Easy as pie, baby! My curls will be so immortalized, people on the street will literally shit their pants when they gaze upon my immortalized curls. It will go exactly like this...

"Oh, my good golly! That guy's curls are just so... *turd explosion!*"

Admittedly lured in by their clever advertising, I visited the Superstrands website and leaned even more!

OUR HAIR IS 100% HUMAN GUARANTEED.
Our promise to you is that we will supply you with the following only

•100% Human hair extensions
•Premium remy quality hair
•Ethically sourced hair.

It quelled my worries and answered some more questions that I had organized. Like, "What if it's actually Sasquatch hair and not human? Will there be bald Sasquatch roaming the forests; lumbering around like lost, naked Rush Limbaughs?"

And, "Is it ethically sourced hair? Or is there someone abducting hirsute folks "Hostel" or "Saw"- style and, with elaborate torture devices, stripping them of their hair against their will? Or in an extreme case, having Kathy Griffin just gnaw it right off people's bodies?"

Anyway, it seems like a quality place. And they must be super-busy as they don't seem to have much time to add apostrophes to contractions.

So, I'll leave you with this motto I'm going to bounce off of their marketing department:

"If you need a weave, get one you'll believe... in"

Eh... may need work.

Oct 1st, 2010
Excuses, excuses....

It seems every post I make on KeyToons is usually just another apology for being away too long. Bad cartoonist! Bad! Again, I have several projects on the ol' worktable, but I will try to update this site as often as possible.

July 5th, 2010
Pityin' Fools Leaves Me No Time for Jibber-Jabber...

My apologies for, yet another, brief hiatus. As there were, (and still are), many art projects on the table, updating the ol' website became kinda last on my list.

In honor of the poorly-planned attempt to bring the 80's classic, "The A-Team" to the big screen, I am posting reprints of my "Mr. T" strips from 3 years ago. This got me some serious second-hand flak from the bar that was actually housing a salon within its walls.

It was worth it.

See the strips HERE, fool!

May 4th, 2010
Will the oil make dolphins less squeaky?

So it seems apparent that the oil spill from Louisiana's Deepwater Horizon rig might eventually get into the Gulf's "Loop Current" and head towards the Florida Keys. Be prepared for many more oil spill-related strips from me in the near future. I certainly won't be busy fishing or snorkeling...

March 25th, 2010
Tip of the Hat to Author Tim Dorsey

You may not be familiar with Tim Dorsey's books about a vigilante and Floridaphile named Serge A. Storms. Riddled with mental illnesses, yet charming as hell, he criss-crosses Florida, usually with drug-addled Coleman in tow, touring eclectic historic landmarks and dispensing his own brand of justice to ne'er-do-wells that cross his manic path.

This is my illustrated homage to his characters. Long may they blaze a trail of havoc across the Sunshine State.

If you haven't read the books, check them out, dammit!

Check out the strip here: SERGE & COLEMAN

January 27th, 2010
Tabula Comicus (How Apple might save comics)

One of my main causes for lack of motivation, when it comes to compiling enough of my comics to do something with, is the decline of the newspaper format. The potential Garfields, Doonesburys, and Family Circii of tomorrow may never get their day in the sun due to the birth of this wretched internet that I am currently using to convey my disdain of it to you. (It's getting hard to see my computer scren through this thick fog of irony). With a simple mouse click, everything is free and as easily accessible as an alcohol-sodden Courtney Love.

Supposedly, comic books, comic strips, and webcomics will have a new or second life through the much-hyped but allegedly fantabulous Apple Tablet. I've got my fingers crossed anyway. Check out more about the noble Sir Apple Tablet saving the fair maiden Comics at the link below:

Did You Hear? The Apple Tablet Is Gonna Save Comics, Too.

January 23rd, 2010
Doodle Time 3: Revenge of the Doodle

January 14th, 2010
My Converstation With Charles Schulz

The title of this entry might be misleading as I won't be posting a transcript of my conversation with Charles Schulz. A more accurate title would be, "How, as a kid, I called Charles Schulz on the phone and he talked to me and it was awesome", but that might be a little wordy.

This little memory crossed my mind as I was working on this most recent strip and I started thinking about how old-school "Sparky" Schulz would really NOT have appreciated it. Hero to me as he might be, I feel, when it comes to humor and art, nothing should be taboo. Like it or lump it. (Although I don't know the exact method of "lumping" something.)

I was about 14 years old and was voraciously reading every book or article that referenced anything about cartooning. Interviews with cartoonists were my favorite. I happily read all about Garfield's Jim Davis before I became jaded and realized he was just a businessman that could draw. Not just me, either. Other cartoonists realize this too. "Merchandising whore" was the name that had been bandied about, I believe.

As the internet was not readily available in 1986, I spent a lot of time at the library reading up on Hank Ketcham, Chic Young, Gary Larson, Berke Breathed, Garry Trudeau, and a host of others. I made copies of articles from the microfilm readers and put them in a big ol' suitcase which I would frequently peruse. One day I decided to look through the library's phone books from across the country and try to find phone numbers of these cartoonists I held in such high regard. Although, through my studies I knew the towns where many of them resided, nobody seemed to be listed. I wasn't really surprised as they probably would rather slobbering fan praise and complaints be handled by the newspapers and/or their syndicates. Nobody wants to wake up at midnight and answer to why their punchline might have been incomprehensible.

Although I had my doubts, I took a shot and looked up Charles M. Schulz in Santa Rosa, CA. I couldn't believe it... it was listed! Then I thought, maybe there's another Charles M. Schulz in Santa Rosa. I called, a woman answered, and I asked if I was calling the residence of the same Charles Schulz that created "Peanuts". She replied "yes" and said she would bring him to the phone. I was amazed that this man as famous as he was could be so accessible.

The sad thing about this story is, I was so jazzed I can't remember much of what he told me. I asked questions, I asked for advice, and he patiently responded with such a calm, soothing, grandfatherly tone, his voice should have been bottled and distributed as an anti-psychotic. You have to respect this revered cartoonist who would humor some strange teenager on the phone for about 20 minutes. I wish I could remember more of what he told me, but my mind kept babbling, "I'm talking to Charles Schulz! I'm talking to Charles Schulz!"

One more impressive thing he did was have his studio send me a little packet of "Peanuts" stuff. Newsletter, cards, stickers, etc. He didn't have to do that, but I guess that was his nature.

Although I now had a direct line to Charles Schulz, I never called him after that day. Rabid fan that I was, I didn't want to be impolite and bug the crap out of him. He took the time to talk to some goofy kid and, in gratitude, I chose never to disrupt his "at home" time again.

Thanks, Sparky.... wherever you are.

January 9th, 2010
Doodle Time 2: Doodle Harder

December 31st, 2009
2000-2009: A Decade Undefined

So, we're on the cusp of a new decade. Hello, "10"s... goodbye, um... aughts? Aughties? Naughts? Naughties? There's a lot of debate on this one. Whatever gets the most play will land in Webster's. My bet is on, "The Decade Presented by Red Bull and Kanye West"® There's no way to properly sum up this decade in one adjective. It was just a whole mess of stuff... like jambalaya or Tara Reid's plastic surgeries.

Hard to believe it's been a decade since that whole Y2K hullaballoo. I remember when I was living back up north and everyone was going bug-nutty scrambling for batteries, ice, flashlights, not to mention firearms & ammunition to fend off the certain newly-sentient computer uprising.

I figured the best place to lay low for the new millennium would be my eventual home; Key West. As I cruised into KW at the tail end of '99, I listened to the local radio and they were not quite as concerned with the Y2K debacle. The reports said that there was still plenty of ice, batteries & essentials available as there was no looming concern. Gotta love the laid-back Keys! I think the only thing that would whip the Conch Republic into a frenzy would be a Prohibition-level booze shortage. You can bet the most Googled subject during that time would be "Bathtub Gin; How-To".

Dick Clark will be back tonight along with his eventual successor; Ryan Seacrest. New Year's Rockin' Eve is having a gradual sex-change. They're trading in a Dick for a walking vagina.

Was that too mean? Well... come and get me, Seacrest! I'm pretty sure a Muppet armed with a Nerf bat could take you down!

As 2010 approaches, I need to know.... Where's my damn flying car?! We were promised this concept from so many sci-fi flicks and over-enthusiastic, (and probably drunk), scientists. I complain, but the reality eventually sinks in. We are not responsible enough as a culture to navigate flying cars. Most people can't drive well on asphalt never mind at high altitudes. Nevermind the inherent danger involved and the logistical nightmare it would be maintaining your car so it doesn't stall in mid-air and plummet through the roof of a mini-mall. Besides that, home-owners would end up spending most of their time cleaning their gutters that are choked with cigarette butts and McDonald's wrappers from careless litterbug drivers. I guess we're better off without the flying car.

This decade saw the prevalence of the Blackberry and iPhone which assured people that they would never have to pay their full, undivided attention to any other carbon-based being ever again....

"Really? You have brain cancer? To you, as a human that's standing next to me in my direct line of sight, I'd have to say that sounds serious and I'd love to talk to you about it, but I'm texting my girlfriend and downloading the latest Jay-Z song. Maybe if you Twitter about it later on, I can respond more effectively."

This decade also brought us the LOL. I don't LOL. I don't ROTFL. I say FU to that nonsense. I hate the LOL because it just seems so damn insincere. If you're not going to actually "Laugh-Out-Loud" or "Roll-On-The Floor-Laughing" then it's just a blasted lie. If I go into the internet coffee shop, not a single person is laughing out loud or rolling on the floor. They're mostly just staring at their LCD screens dead-eyed. Latté in one hand and mouse in the other, thinking, "Why has nobody published my shitty novel yet?"

...or "WHNPMSNY".

I really can't encapsulate the whole decade in this one posting. With all the celeb deaths, celeb sex tapes, nipple slips, crotch flashes, who's hookin' up, who's comin' out, who's zoomin' who.... Hollywood's a lot to shoehorn into a nutshell.

One thing I'd like to suggest is to have Amy Winehouse battle Courtney Love to the death so we only have one train wreck to focus on.

And by the way, what the $#%@ is a Lady Gaga? I don't know what a Lady Gaga is, but I do know that I want to beat it repeatedly and savagely with a croquet mallet. This freak slipped under my radar this year and now she's all over the place. Just like Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy shirts, Ed Hardy bags, Ed Hardy booze.... After armageddon there's only going to a few things left. Roaches and rats and they will be sporting Ed Hardy T-shirts and listening to Lady Gaga on their tiny, filthy iPods.

Speaking of Armageddon, I suppose we're edging closer to that 2012 end-of-the-world deadline. Either the Mayans were correct and the end of their calendar equals Earth's expiration date, or they just got tired of numbering future days. Give 'em a break....they did thousands of years-worth of post-dating. Eventually it had to be Mayan Miller Time!

But, if Lady Gaga isn't a sure sign of the apocalypse, then it's got to be Twilight, (goddamn emo-tween glitter nightmare), KFC's "Double Down Sandwich" and Jimmy Dean's "Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick", (They're trying to assassinate us with food, however tantalizing it may be!!), The Snuggie, (A blanket you can wear? Maybe I'll don one for my next job interview!), Energy drinks mixed with booze, (I'd like to be drunk, but not so much in a lazy sort of way...), Jon & Kate + 8, Tiger Woods porking whores, Palin peculiarities, an ass-load of flavored vodkas, Lindsay Lohan, Balloon Boy, the Party Crashers, this frikkin' crummy economy, and so on...

As for me? I'll spend my New Year's Eve with my wife, a cigar, a glass of some sort of alcoholic libation, and a full view of the blue moon Key West New Year's frivolity. A brief respite tonight as 2010 is going to be mighty busy for me. For there are cartoons to be 'tooned, projects to get re-invested in, and an animation program to figure the hell out.

Have a great New Year, and enjoy the Twenty-Teens!*

* I mean the decade "Twenty-Teens". Not in the way you would have asked R. Kelly to enjoy twenty teens.

~Dan Schwab