Hey, folks. Dan from KeyToons stepping in for our Coconut Telegraph editor on this holiday; who I hope is relaxing and enjoying the day without filtering through e-mails & spam. I did not receive many e-mails for the Coconut Telegraph. But, I tried to fill in the gaps with some holiday fun stuff, so it's still a decent yuletide read.

Have a Merry Christmas, all! Now I'm about to get back to watching Howard Livingston & family on The Weather Channel.

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone!!

Our days have been so filled with fun and excitement since we were announced the winner of The Weather Channel's Guaranteed White Christmas. I wanted to write you a long Christmas letter with wishes of great things for this holiday season and for 2010! Instead I will wish you a great weekend in a short e-blast, and hope that you'll tune in to see us LIVE on The Weather Channel on Christmas morning.

Here are the details as we know them right now....

Starting at 7:40 AM Eastern Time TWC will be broadcasting LIVE from my yard (with SNOW!!) on TV. They will go back and forth from Summerland Key to the Studio until 2PM Eastern time.

However - if you go online to The Weather Channel's website, they will be broadcasting continuously from 7:40 AM (EST) to 2PM (EST). You won't miss a thing if you watch online!! I was going to go to their website and find the exact link to their White Christmas broadcast but I haven't had a chance. I'm sure you are all online savvy enough to find it on their website!

With the snow that they are planning, grandson Michael will be making snowmen and we'll have a snowball fight or two. I'm not sure which hold the most excitement for Michael right now, snow? or Santa?

The band will be performing at least one or two songs during the day, including "Local On The Eights" from the "Blame It On The Margarita" CD and a new song that I've just finished writing!! We're not sure when the performance will take place, so we hope you'll keep The Weather Channel tuned in while you are enjoying your Christmas morning.

From our family to your family - we wish you a wonderful Christmas. May you have the warm tropical breezes that many of you desperately need right now, and may the tides always pull you back.

Merry Christmas

Howie and the Mile Marker 24 Family

Star Wars Christmas

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats... lightsabers drawn and sparks flying. Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!" Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?" Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, "The force is with me... I felt your presents."

Santa’s Bad Day

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got
sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then
Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa
even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw
end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He
opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

Christmas BPK Funny Friday

Here's a money-saving tip for Christmas; Glue a jujube on a brick and mail it out as a fruitcake.
~Julie Brown

I have all these people to give Christmas presents to, and you know what I've found?There are some very nice things at the 99-cents store.
~Ellen DeGeneres

If you want to restore your faith in humanity, think about Christmas. If you want to destroy it again, think about Christmas shopping. But the gifts aren't the important thing about the holidays. The important thing is having your family around resenting you.
~Reno Goodale

The day after Christmas: When we all have two more ugly sweaters.
~Craig Kilborn

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.
~Henny Youngman

Probably the worst thing about being Jewish during Christmas time is shopping, because the lines are so long. They should have a Jewish express line. "Look, I'm a Jew. It's not a gift. It's just paper towels!"
~Sue Kolinsky

December 25 is National Jews Go to the Movies Day.
~Jon Stewart

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
~Winston Spear

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
~Johnny Carson

The Supreme Court has ruled they can not have a nativity scene in Washington D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
~Jay Leno

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
~Phyllis Diller

I used to work in a Fotomat booth. Talk about the worlds worst office Christmas. I sat in a mall parking lot with a punchbowl and a candy cane.
~Dobie Maxwell

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
~Phyllis Diller

I never believed in Santa Claus because i knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
~Dick Gregory

If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood.
~Jack Handey

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
~Dennis Miller

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus. Unfortunately, so did my parents. So I never got anything.
~Charlie Viracola

I'll tell you one thing I'm upset about: the day after Christmas my tree is all dried up, all brown. I went back to where I bought it, and the whole place is gone. This is the last year I buy my tree from one of those fly-by-night businesses.
~Jay Leno

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking I got an Odor-Eater.
~Rodney Dangerfield.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking-stuffer.
~Mitch Hedberg

I used to drink a lot. You learn lessons from drinking. Things you never forget. One thing I learned, is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people, you know? And also, go around December... that's the best time. When you're out there in mid-July... and you're naked... with a bottle of Jack Daniels... outside your ex-girlfriend's house going, "Jingle BELLLLLLS!" ...a lot of people don't consider that caroling for some reason.
~Louis CK

Christmas Movie Quotes:

A CHRISTMAS STORY

[Ralphie is visiting Santa at the department store, only he can't remember what he wanted]
Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out 'football'.
Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

Ralphie as Adult: [regarding the note on his report] Oh, no! "You'll shoot your eye out!"?
Ralphie: Oh, no!
Ralphie as Adult: My mother must have gotten to Miss Shields! There could be no other explanation!
Miss Shields, Mother: [in Ralphie's fantasy, Miss Shields is dressed as the Wicked Witch and Ralphie's mother as a jester, both chanting] "You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ralphie as Adult: Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?

CHRISTMAS VACATION

Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark (Looking out window): Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an a**hole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
Eddie: Sh*tter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our sh*tters, honey?

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f**king Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse.

ELF

[reading the note he left on the etch-a-sketch]
Buddy:"I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR."

Santa: I've been to New York thousands of times.
Buddy: Really?
Santa: Mm-hmm.
Buddy: What's it like?
Santa: Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, leave it there. It isn't free candy.
Buddy: Oh.
Santa: Second, there are, like, thirty Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original. But the real one's on 11th. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show", that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at the new toys before Christmas.

SCROOGED

Frank Cross: I want to see her nipples.
Censor Lady: But this is a CHRISTMAS show.
Frank Cross: Well, I'm sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.
Carpenter: You can barely see them nipples.
Frank Cross: See? And these guys are REALLY looking.

Frank Cross: It's Christmas Eve. It's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year we are the people that we always hoped we would be.

The Little Dealer Boy
Sung by: Stephen Colbert and Willie Nelson

Willie: I have no money in my coffer
No gold or silver do I bring
Nor have I precious jewels to offer
To celebrate the new born king
Yet do not spurn my gift completely
Oh ye three wise men please demur
Behold a plant that smokes more sweetly
Than either Frankincense or Myrrh
And like the child born in this manger
This herb is mild yet it is strong
And it brings peace to friend and stranger
Good will to men lies in this bong
Willie: And now my wonder weed is flaring
Stephen: Are you hiiiiigh?
Willie: Looked like that special star above
Stephen: Can it beeee?
Willie: Pass it around in endless sharing
Stephen: On Christmas daaaay
Willie: And let not mankind bogart love
Stephen: You’d smoke my treeeeee
Willie: And the wise men started toking
And ye the bud was kind
It was salvation they were smoking
And its forgiveness blew their mind
Willie: And still that wonder weed is flaring
Stephen: Are you hiiiiiigh?
Willie: Looked like that was once above
Stephen: You’re so hiiiiigh
Willie: Pass it around in endless sharing
Stephen: Dude, man, duuuude
Willie: And let not mankind bogart love
Stephen: You’re really hiiiigh, I’m going to tell your Savior
Willie: And let not mankind bogart love