Tweets in yo' Face is just a collection of Twitter and Facebook posts I've come up with, (both drunk & sober), over the past few years. I kinda like them and I'd hate to see them disappear into the internet ephemera. As time goes on they get harder and harder to access while they sink ever-deeper into my social network archives.
I hope you enjoy this best-of repository of my mindless blather. It will continue to update depending on my scotch intake. |
Music in bars should be quieter in the bar area and louder in the bathroom.
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I'm starting to think that historical moments aren't worth remembering
unless they are minted on a limited-edition coin.
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"Come see ALL of me!" So we get to see your missing neck and skull?
Ooh... the anticipation builds, you random, headless trollop...
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If anyone is going to open up a local vaginal rejuvenation clinic, might I suggest. "Key West Pinks"?
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This night has the stink of death upon it. Your soul is cocooned in despair, you shall suffer for your sins!
~Fred (Mister) Rogers
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This is a photo that confuses boners....
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I'm going to be 40 in a few months. There's so much I thought I would
have done by now. I have yet to punch a camel or sample
deep-fried penguin. I still haven't even met Ned Beatty.
Ferris was right. Life moves pretty fast.
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"I am one with the night. If you meet my gaze, it is already too late for you."
~Florence Henderson
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Don't ask a lady assassin to, "show me what you're workin' with."
Odds are you'll get a ninja star in your eye.
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I am baby-proofing my house...
...because this neighborhood has had a ridiculous amount of infant break-ins.
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There are claims that Key West has the most bars per capita in the country. Also the most churches per capita.
Neither is exactly true, but we DO have the most drunken churchgoers per capita.
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Tip #53:
Who says edible panties have to be sugary crap? Why not fashion a thong from linked sausages?
Tip #129:
Here's a new position... Her on top, and him between the mattress and box-spring like it's some sort of posturepedic coffin. Then she wildly jumps up and down on the bed while screaming, "What did you do to my cat?!"
Tip #193:
For Valentine's Day, add a little poetry to your greeting card. There's nothing more romantic than the ritual of summoning Cthulhu .
Tip # 214:
For Valentines Day, instead of just handing your sweetheart a heart-shaped box of chocolates, why not try something more creative? Buy a giant teddy bear, present it to your lover, then use a giant bowie knife to split its abdomen open. Reach inside and yank the heart-shaped box out.
If you're feeling extra-clever, fill the bear's insides with cherry cordial goo so the heart is dripping as it's withdrawn.
Such a savage display is sure to get you some action that night!
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This morning I went to the store and bought some pasta.
The checkout clerk says, "It's a good day for pasta!"
What?! Is this is his go-to comment regarding ALL purchases?
I'm glad I wasn't buying my wife tampons.
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I'm going to do everything today the same way Liam Neeson does things in most of his movies.
Beardedly.
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On this day in history, the spork was invented by jazz musician Miles Davis in 1883.
Davis claimed it was because he wanted to eat salmon with something that resembled a bear claw.
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I wish I could get 2 little people to go to Key West's "World's Smallest Bar" to
stage the "world's smallest bar-fight". I'll provide the airplane-sized
bottles of booze to smash and use as weapons.
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Between the Mayan Calendar and the official 2012 "Keeping up With the Kardashians" calendar,
it's the Kardashian one that has more of a Doomsday feel.
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Ed Hardy's extra-strength energy shots. Now you can super-fuel your douchebaggery!
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John J. Audubon killed birds and propped them up to sketch them.
A method that doesn't go over so well for boardwalk caricaturists.
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Ah yes... there's nothing quite like the pre-Kmart hump session.
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2012 prediction: Priests will start taking confessions via Twitter as long as
you've sinned less than 140 characters.
Also... if he assigns you a bunch of "hail mary's" as penance?
Don't worry... there's an app for that.
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Saw a guy on a bike wielding a leaf blower. I'd like to think he was on his way to a really bizarre joust.
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Christmas is almost over. After I thoroughly strangle my holiday spirit, I can go back to openly resenting people.
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Had a weird dream that I was at a high-rise rooftop restaurant in Manhattan where they served
gourmet popcorn and cigars. You could only take the (slow-moving) elevator to the floor below
the restaurant. From there you had to ascend a very steep & narrow staircase.
The servers there were incredibly rude.
If you ever find yourself in one of my dreams, I do not recommend this place.
I may have to mention something on imaginary "Yelp.com"
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Tip #29:
When introducing handcuffs into sexual play, it's always polite to ask your partner if they are into it.
P.S. It's easier to get the okay on it if you've slipped on their handcuffs BEFORE you ask.
What are they going to do? Say "no"? **
**Excerpt from "Gary Busey's Guide to Lovemaking"
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2012 prediction: Waterboarding is replaced as a torture method by being forced to wear a
Snuggie made from steel wool while lashed to a chair in front of
"According to Jim" on a never-ending loop.
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Nothing says "Merry Christmas" quite like a "Bent over a riding mower" coupon.
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It's Jan 1st. Let's celebrate Foxy Boxing day!
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Most Christmasy thing tonight: A trolley full of holiday revelers driving by my
house and wishing me a Merry Christmas.
Least Christmasy thing tonight: A guy on a bike singing loudly, "You know they call you
'Sweet Pus*y' because you've got that good pus*y..."
BTW... I looked it up. Those aren't lyrics to any song I can find.
He must have been freestyle jackassing.
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I never should have went shopping for a knife at the "10,000 Spoons Warehouse".
I didn't think it was ironic at all.
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Dear Santa...
For the love of God, please don't leave any penises under my tree.
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Man.... my short-term memory is really shot. I keep doing things
I did a few moments earlier because I forgot I already did them.
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Man.... my short-term memory is really shot. I keep doing things
I did a few moments earlier because I forgot I already did them.
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2012 prediction: After Khloe Kardashian flips out and stabs Kim with a nail file,
we discover that she doesn't have human blood, but a sort of goo
similar to what's inside the old Stretch Armstrong dolls.
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I'm guessing that all the unadopted Cabbage Patch Kids from the 1980's grew
up to be miserable Cabbage Patch Adults with really low self-esteem.
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After the release of "Grease 2" with their risqué "Let's Bowl" song, which was less about bowling
and more about boning, (i.e. the lyric, "We're gonna scoooore tonight!"), do you think THAT
was the impetus that gave bowling alleys everywhere the incentive to install
condom machines in their men's rooms?
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I tried to make a gingerbread house, but code enforcement in Key West is so strict,
they busted me for not having the proper permitting.
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I recently saw an old episode of Diff'rent Strokes the other day from the first season, and I had a sudden realization of how I assumed Arnold and Willis were adopted when I was a kid.
In the show's intro, Mr. Drummond is cruising in his chauffeured limo down the streets of New York when he comes upon a basketball court in the inner city. Arnold and Willis are shooting some hoops when the limo pulls up, Mr. Drummond gets out and waves the kids into the limo, they eagerly get in and they head to Drummond's uptown high-rise.
I never considered adoption papers or legal guardian-type stuff. Based on the information I had as a kid, I just kinda figured Mr. Drummond pretty much grabbed them off the street. I mean... the kids are so impressed with the limo and the ritzy apartment building, it's clear that they hadn't taken this trip before. They may have had a family in Harlem, but they preferred to live with the rich white guy. I then assumed that's how wealthy men adopted inner-city children. Whatever kids get in your limo when you open the door, you get to keep.
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The new Hyundai "Veloster". A smooth ride and 90% of the letters that spell "molester".
Test-drive one today!
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Congress is trying to pass a bill that can indefinitely imprison anybody, in America, that's suspected as a terrorist.
Laws currently on the books that characterize who might be a terrorist include descriptions such as
"anyone missing fingers on their hand" or "anyone storing more than 7 days worth of food."
Just saying... if you're a wood shop teacher with poor depth perception, don't shop at BJ's Wholesale Club.
Buy one crate of bulk fruit cocktail, you're gonna be under some heavy f*ckin' scrutiny.
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I never see anyone displaying their poinsettias much after December.
Do they all die in January? Or are there a bunch of poinsettia
mercy-killings to make way for a new generation?
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I was impressed with the chocolate drinking fountain at Denny's until they told
me that there was no such thing, but there WERE some unsavory plumbing issues...
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2012 prediction: Godzilla will attack the east coast, and in response, the cast of "The Jersey Shore"
will merge together, Voltron-style, to become "Douchetron". Godzilla will
ultimately be repelled by their blasts of hair gel, and skank funk.
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Ever have one of those mornings where it feels like, during the night, someone extracted your skeleton
and replaced it with wadded-up pages from old L.L. Bean catalogs?
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Tip #36:
Try some roleplaying! You can pretend you're former Vice President Adlai Stevenson
and your lover can pretend they are NOT bound and gagged in the trunk of your car. **
**Excerpt from "Gary Busey's Guide to Lovemaking"
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Do you figure RC Cola was kinda the "National Guard" of the Cola Wars?
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What punishment do you suppose Hamburglary will get you in McDonaldland?
I'm guessing they make you scrub out Grimace's cage.
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Men think about sex every seven seconds.
Male dogs think about sex every 49 seconds.
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Today, my friend Cindy taught me how to fold a kimono.
That will come in handy when I apply for a job at the Tokyo "Gap".
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Comedy Central just announced, "Carlos Mencia is back!"
It's like saying the McRib is back, but the exact opposite.
It's more akin to saying, "Cholera is back!"
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Flerovium and Livermorium were just officially named and will potentially join the periodic table.
I'm announcing this ahead of time to eliminate the element of surprise.
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Heman Cain is suspending his Presidential campaign. Can't say I'm surprised. When a car
has several flat tires and it's been accused of sexual harassment, you pull it off the road.
Sorry... I have to answer the door. I think the "Shitty Metaphor Police" are here.
I hope I just get a fine.
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Quote from today's "Citizen's Voice.":
"I was born and raised in the USA and raised to speak English. If you're too lazy or ignorant to learn the language of our country, then you need to stop living off our generosity and go back to the impoverished countries you came from. Your disrespect for our country is disgusting."
I don't know how bright you are, fella, if you're telling immigrants, in English, that they should
learn English. What other clever things do you do for fun? Give the finger to blind people?
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Tip # 78
If you and your loved one are going to get into something kinky tonight, use an out-of-the-ordinary,
but fun safe-word like "Yeti-fur merkin" or "Cop Rock".**
**Excerpt from "Gary Busey's Guide to Lovemaking"
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Newt Gingrich says he would hire students in place of unionized school janitors. He claims, "The kids would
actually do work, they would have cash, they’d have pride in the schools."
No, Newtie. Think about the level of respect high-school janitors get from the students.
Now picture if those janitors were OTHER STUDENTS.
What's up, man? Do you have plans to profit from an investment in anti-depressants?
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Why in Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", was the line 'Children of Thalidomide'
followed by a sweet guitar riff? I'm not sure if a birth defect-causing sedative deserves extra rock.
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Some people take such poor care of their kids and/or animals that,
if Mogwais were readily available at pet shops, much of our country's
budget would go towards Anti-Gremlin Task Forces.
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I'm willing to bet that where Ann Coulter's soul is supposed to be, there is just a hollowed-out chasm filled with acid-spitting beetles.
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"What do we want?"
"A TIME MACHINE!"
"When do we want it?"
"1973!"
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Patrice O'Neal is releasing a posthumous comedy album.
I hope, someday soon, Carlos Mencia does as well.
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Yesterday, I was behind a car with a bumper sticker that looked exactly like this:
Now a Wisconsin silhouette, from a distance, is not instantly recognizable.
It just looked like the guy in front of me loved bloody crime scenes.
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It's nearly Thanksgiving & I am launching the movement, "OccuPIE My Belly!"
We need to stand up to apples, pecans, and pumpkins who won't share their delicious flavor with the rest of us!
Join me in front of the supermarket. Bring your forks and tubs of Cool Whip. This movement could last a while....
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It's cool if new moms want to breastfeed in public, but they should...
A: Make sure they brought enough for everybody.
B: Stop slapping me when I ask them that.
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Tomorrow is 11/11/11 . <–––This looks like 8 anorexic models– of which 2 are swaying drunkenly from vodka-soaked tic-tacs.
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Went to get some coffee and everyone's talking about the powerboat that flipped over at the races yesterday &
the two people that died. Some teenager on line said, "At least they went out doing what they loved."
Sure, they might have loved racing boats, but I'm sure they hated it right at the very end.**
**Sorry if this might seem offensive, but this incident falls under the "Crocodile Hunter" rule. If you died doing
something risky that you didn't have to do but chose to, then snarky comments are permitted.
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Rick Perry, (regarding his brain fart) said he really "stepped in it".
That's what happens when you're extremely "full of it"
...there's bound to be spillage to step in.
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Could they have perhaps found a better bit of clip art to accompany this ad?
Or is the trick to more effectively paying off your mortgage painting yourself up as a Smurf?
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I wonder who's going to die first.... Rip Taylor or Rip Torn.
I'm sure the media's been just itching to use the headline, "Rip: R.I.P."
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Why does every bearded figure people see in toast, or stains or in the clouds
have to be Jesus? Couldn't it just as easily be Rasputin or pitchman Billy Mays?
If I die and want to come back and say "Howdy" via
a toaster pastry, I'd better leave a clean-shaven corpse.
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Do not stand near the railing of a boat and say, "There's no such
thing as Sharktopus", because that's when Sharktopus gets ya.
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They say the way McDonald's treats their pigs they use for the McRib is cruel,
but McDonald's is practiced in cruelty. Seriously....
releasing the McRib on a limited-time basis.....how cruel is THAT?
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I hate to harp on this.... but SERIOUSLY. "Whitney" is the worst
thing to happen to TV since the Oklahoma City Bombing footage.
I don't know much about the critics giving this show good reviews, but is their
former critique experience taste-testing used diapers?
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These are exactly the same actions that lead to an abduction...
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I hate hearing stories of handicapped people climbing Mount Everest.
They need to stop achieving greatness while I'm on my couch
for two days watching an "X-Files" DVD marathon.
The guilt makes my Cheetos taste so much less savory.
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Has anybody REALLY asked a Tambourine Man to play a song for them?
"Hey, fella... play me some shitty, jangly music that can be easily replicated by a excitable, dog tag-adorned terrier."
What the hell, Bob Dylan?
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So, Facebook is forming its own Political Action Committee.
You think Zuckerberg's going to be lobbying for Farmville subsidies?
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Took this photo near the airport in New Orleans.
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Guys... Wanna make someone uncomfortable at the next urinal? Turn to them and say,
"I think we were destined to pee together."
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If a Klingon needed to go to the eye doctor, would other Klingons look at
that as a sign of weakness? I just noticed no Klingons ever wear glasses.
I shall now coin the term, "Rarer than a Klingon opthamologist."
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Lady Gaga is supposedly getting diamond tooth implants. Is that a crazy,
rich white girl's version of 18k gold spinning HumVee rims?
Hey, Gaga. Haiti called to say, "Seriously? Every diamond in your mouth is equal
to a fuck you DON'T give about us. We're sending Sean Penn to kick you in the ovaries."
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That gag where someone is about to get a tattoo or a shot & screams in pain,
but it turns out to be just the alcohol swab instead of the needle....
....it's played out. Stop it, TV.
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From this morning's Key West Citizen:
"Commissioner Jimmy Weekley said he supports people's right to carry guns, but was
concerned that the new law means people will be allowed to carry concealed firearms in the cemetery."
I'm no big gun rights advocate, but Jimmy....if we can't carry guns in the cemetery,
how are we supposed to protect ourselves from ZOMBIES?!
If you don't have the zombie apocalypse in mind, then you don't have my vote, sir.
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You know...they wouldn't have burned so many witches in Salem if they weren't so damned flammable.
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So, Madonna is rumored to be performing at the Super Bowl Halftime Show.
I hope they stock up on a supply of duct tape to prepare for any potential "wardrobe malfunctions".
Nobody needs to have the shock of accidentally seeing her leathery boobs.
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The "Dress Barn" and "Pottery Barn" don't look nearly as rustic as they should.
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Mitt Romney is calling the 'Occupy Wall Street' movement, "dangerous class warfare".
You know, Mitt– those who live in Swarovski crystal houses shouldn't throw jewels...
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So.... "The Playboy Club" is cancelled, but "Whitney" was green-lighted for a full season?! Geeeeez.....
Thank you, NBC, for trading eye
candy for ear poison.
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I remember when, at the airport, an unattended bag meant, "free bag".
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In New Orleans, I had my back to the street when I heard some hoofsteps
and loud facts about the neighborhood. I know it was a carriage tour,
but my first thought was, "That is a very informative horse..."
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My theory on Adam Sandler's new "Jack & Jill" movie was that the
concept was so horrible, even Rob Schneider said,
"Star in this? Are you kidding? I have SOME dignity, dude..."
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A lethal and highly contagious virus has been found for the
first time in wild salmon in the Pacific Northwest region.
This is serious, folks. Bagels, worldwide, could go unaccompanied!
Join me in my fight against this disease by sending your donations to "Lox of Love".
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Due to a Pavlovian correlation I will never get rid of, whenever I hear an
audible ticking, I think, "Ooh... I wonder what's coming up on the next "60 Minutes?"
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I would go renew my license to ill if it weren't for the $45 fee.
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Amazon picks things for people so poorly, they're like the friend that sets you up on that horrific blind date.
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Why do we have hi-def sound on everything from our iPods to our
alarm clock radios, but they haven't perfected that
technology for fast-food drive-thru speakers?
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To-do list for tonight:
1. Gather everybody
2. Wang Chung
3. Repeat as necessary
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I tried loading my Facebook page several times and, where my friends' updates should be,
it just kept coming up blank. I thought,
"Wow... this is a real lame way to find out I'm one of the survivors of the Apocalypse."
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It's a good thing Helen Keller wasn't raised in modern times.
Internet porn would just be wasted on her.
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If someday there's a commemorative stamp that portrays the closing
of the last Post Office, that would blow my mind.
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On the sidewalk today, I noticed that someone had etched the initials J.C. in the cement.
I have a theory about this, and if it's true...
HE has returned and has lost His flair for "miracles".
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Don't claim you'd be excellent in a zombie apocalypse when you've previously mentioned
how you get creeped out at your grandma's nursing home.
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"Crazy flipper fingers" can be used to describe advantages of a 'Pinball Wizard' or
a characteristic of whatever abomination Snooki might one day give birth to.
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"Death is what happens when you're busy making other plans. Plans to eat brains."
~Zombie John Lennon
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I was going to invest heavily in "Ace Ventriloquism Dolls Inc."
but I found out it was just a dummy corporation...
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The hurricane is heading to Jersey, and Snooki is excited because
the news said she can expect about ten inches tonight.
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I think the Virginia earthquake was trying to steal Hurricane Irene's thunder...
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I'm starting to think fortune cookie writers aren't even trying anymore.
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Burger King has new owners, a new C.E.O. & a new ad agency,
and they say they are ditching the "King" mascot.
With the King as creepy as he is already, do you really wnt to f**k with this guy?
Doesn't this sound like the premise to
some horror movie where he seeks revenge for being fired?
"Kneel before your KING!" *chop!* *thud!* *bleed...*
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I'm sick of those PETA ads with the hot, naked celebrities.
Now they're talking about starting a .xxx porn site?
When I think about animal cruelty, I shouldn't be getting a boner.
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My aromatherapist recommended 2 eucalyptus candles and 1 stick of jasmine
incense three times a day until either my prescription runs out,
or I figure out aromatherapy is bullcrap.
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Considering the popularity of peanut butter with chunks of peanuts, don't you think
jelly with chunks of jellybeans should be a no-brainer?
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You can't fight City Hall. but, you CAN fight Daryl Hall.
So if you see him, please punch him in the eye.
I don't give a crap what you do about John Oates.
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Non-stop continuous Go-Go at the Möbius Strip Club!
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I once tried to "shake what my mama gave me", but how do you shake
a genetic predisposition towards high cholesterol?
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#depressingsitcoms
Manson Family Matters
Full Halfway House
Pee Wee's Crackhouse
Silver Coke Spoons
The Odd Couple's Therapy
Tiananmen Square Pegs
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In New York City, a guy threatened to jump off of 30 Rock because he was upset that his book didn't get published.
I guess that has to be depressing when you realize "Snooki" is now a published author. |
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Paul McCartney Says he will be contacting British police after he was "apparently" hacked.
I suspected as much when I was reading his Twitter feed backwards....
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Graffiti in the Men's restroom stall was the first "chat room".
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I think the saying, "That's how I roll" can retire now. It had a good run.
I think it's even past the expiration date to use ironically.
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In response to gay rumors, I hear Sesame Street is swiftly working on
two female beard muppets for them to be seen in public with. |
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Do you think that, years from now, your kids will be asked who Lance Armstrong is, and they'll answer,
"Isn't he the guy that invented those rubber bracelets?"
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After watching "The Warriors" last night, I was thinking how nowadays
the Mexicans have taken all of the caucasians' street gang jobs...
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The Statue of Liberty is closing for a year. I hear it's to expand and allow for
more occupancy by renovating her figure to make it more "Kardashian-esque."
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Seeing so many videos about the passing of 90 year-old Baruj Benacerraf the
Nobel-winning immunologist. I think the footage is going viral.
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I've been through the desert on a horse with no name.... no name because
he was in the Witness Protection Program. Apparently some mobster
hacked off his brother's head and stuck it in someone's bed.
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Did they ever catch Video for killing the Radio Star? I know it's a
30-year old cold case, but it would be nice to see some justice...
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My flashlight died and it had only one more day until retirement...
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I wish I could capitalize on e.e. cummings' success.
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My uncle's motto was, "Let's fight fire with fire!"
That's why he was kicked off the volunteer fireman's squad.
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I can only imagine the pain highways must feel when they find out they're adopted.
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So sad to see Tony Stark down on his luck...
Do you think he keeps
his high-tech gadgetry
in his fanny-pack?
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Is it sad that I consider a good "friends with benefits" situation to be when a buddy gets you discount pizza?
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Because, in Key West, we're best known for our garlic bread and our technicolor hamburgers.
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I'm surprised the 1980's movie montage hasn't torn a hole in the space-time continuum.
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I hear MTV got the hair for their "Teen Wolf" show from what they shaved off the "Jersey Shore" cast.
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I'm rebelling defiantly against the norm by doing the "Safety Dance" while wielding scissors the improper way.
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Tested hi-intensity flashlight with some shadow-puppetry on low-hanging clouds.
Accidentally summoned "Giant Finger-Eared Bunny Man".
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I've decided anytime I have gastronomical issues after eating Burger King, I'm going to call it a "Royal Visit".
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The Roadhouse Burger at Checkers should be served wrapped in a
tight pair of jeans and advertised with the tag line:
"Make it YOUR new Saturday Night thing..."
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Name for my new fast-food joint/brothel:
"Hold the Pickle".
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Movies I'd Like To See– Part 3:
Megashark vs. Octomom
Braless Salma Hayek & The Mechanical Bull
Outbreak 2: Bieber Fever
RoboMallCop
The DeVito Code
All Dogs Go to Heaven and Michael Vick Put Them There
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I'm avoiding the Noid. Still to this day.
It's when you let your guard down he can strike.
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Calling the Sarah palin documentary "The Undefeated" is hilarious.
Maybe they can produce an Amy Winehouse biopic called, "The Clean & Sober".
Or a Kim Kardashian flick called, "The Virginal Flower".
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T-shirt idea:
"My hipster parents went to Hot Topic, and all I got was this lousy, ironic t-shirt"
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The Hoffcicle?! Of all the "Baywatch" stars, they make a
popsicle out of HASSELHOFF? Why not Pam Anderson? It would be less creepy
to lick and exponentially more frozen treat to go around...
In retrospect, I'm pretty sure Pam would be packaged pre-licked.
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Some questions I had for Obama on his "Twitter Town Hall".
Where did I leave my remote?
Would you water my crops on Farmville? Or would that be considered an agricultural subsidy?
What's a"Hollaback Girl"?
Is John Boehner as orange as he looks in real life? I bet he's even oranger.
Is "oranger" a word?
What do you think REALLY happened at the end of "The Sopranos" when it cut to black?
Have you considered trying Matthew Broderick for war crimes? |
#AskObama
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Until the advent of Ed Hardy shirts, I was blissfully unaware my eyes could throw up.
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The chickens in my yard are driving me bonkers. I think I'm going to open
up a petting zoo in my backyard and invite Lennie from, "Of Mice and Men".
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Hipster Dracula was drinking blood before it was cool.
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Smokey the Bear says that 9 out of 10 wildfires are caused by humans.
The other fires Smokey himself starts so he can continue to have a job.
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Dan Fast Fact #298
I enjoy strangling unicorns with rainbows and writing death threats with a glitter pen.
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On the 4th of July
Today, I'm going to remember the lives we lost on Independence Day 15 years ago: Randy Quaid, Brent Spiner, Mary McDonnell, Harvey Fierstein, and Harry Connick Jr.
R.I.P. folks. The aliens won't bother you anymore.
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On the 4th of July
Maybe today I'll watch that classic, patriotic, X-rated Declaration-signing documentary, "The Pounding Fathers" with Ron Jeremy as Benjamin Franklin, and Jenna Jameson as Abigail Adams.
Okay, that film only exists in my head– so far....
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Dan Fast Fact #237
I once stole a tourist's rented electric car to go, "Tokyo Drifting".
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Has anybody ever referred to a kick in the crotch as a "Banana Nut Crunch?"
If not, they should.
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Final Destination 5's tag line should have been, "Even Finaller".
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Dan Fast Fact # 183
I am as American as eating apple pie off of Betsy Ross' cleavage.
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I was thinking about those movies of Panda Bears having sex
to show to captive Giant Pandas to promote sexual arousal.
If I directed one of those, I would have called it, "PandaMOANium".
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You know what they say... If wishes were fishes,
the whole world would smell like Courtney Love.
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Forget about putting those graphic images on cigarette packs
to dissuade people from smoking. Anti-tobacco advocates should
take a tip from the ASPCA and run a TV ad with a montage of
people with lung disease and emphysema
set to a Sarah McLachlan song.
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I finally believe in time travel! Outside a condo that was being built,
I saw a sign that read, "Future Resident Parking".
Somebody knows somethin'....
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After watching "The Ring", you get to assuredly embrace death.
After watching "The Last Airbender" you get to keep on
living with the memory of that awful, awful movie.
Which one is the worse curse?
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Today on Twitter, The Pope sent his very first Tweet.
I believe it was, "Mr. Bieber. Come Here. I need you."
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As a neighbor, I'm pretty quiet and I keep to myself.
Does that mean I could be a serial killer?
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#ReallySadMovies
All Dogs Don't Go To Heaven
Four Funerals and a Wedding
Old Yeller and His Litter of Adorable, But Rabid, Puppies
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Sure, you've seen Weiner on Twitter, but have you seen Boehner on Chatroulette?
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Hey old guy I saw yesterday wearing a Harley Davidson shirt. When your pants
are hitched up so high, they obstruct most of "Davidson", it seems so much less bad-ass.
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Had frog's legs yesterday. I like frog's legs, but these kind of sucked.
Definitely not worth putting those poor frogs in wheelchairs.
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Tried to "Build-a-bear", but couldn't get the proper permitting.
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What do you figure he USED to do? Hand girls saucy etchings of his nether-regions?
|
A real dilemma is like whether or not you should bother changing the litter box for Schrödinger's cat.
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Is it wrong to call my bathroom, "The Situation Room?" Sometimes I have to take a "Wolf Blitzer".
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Look at those soldiers getting along....
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That's a secret I don't want to know of...
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Join the FBI and you can roll in a pimped-out police car! |
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I think a REAL gentleman's club should be called, "Monocles".
|
Just joined PETBA. People for the Ethical Treatment of Balloon Animals.
We need to fight static electricity NOW!
|
Did Vanilla Ice ever actually solve any problems? Certainly not if the problem was obscurity.
|
Whaddya know? The Beatles actually WERE bigger than Jesus.
And even this alligator seems to be longer than Jesus...
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Urinal Cake Boss #BadRealityShows
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If there is a shortage of exclamation points in the world, it's because "Us" Magazine is using them all.
Jenna Fischer Is Pregnant!
Vote for Hollywood's Hottest Bodies!
Renew Your Subscription NOW!
Stop yelling at me, Us Magazine! |
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Maria Shriver's kids are so lucky...
Imagine the relief of them knowing that they're the young that Maria didn't eat.
|
I believe that conspiracy theorists are actually government robots programmed to distract us from the
real truth about Roswell, the moon landing, and the second JFK shooter on the grassy knoll in Dallas.
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"America's Most Wanted" on FOX is cancelled. I guess they must have caught everybody.
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For the upcoming Rapture, I'm planning on filling several inflatable sex dolls with helium tomorrow and setting them free...
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I know so many superstitious people, I can hardly swing a dead black cat without hitting one of 'em. #friday13th
|
On a job application, does "stalker" go under "previous employment", "special skills", or "hobbies"?
Why am I asking? No reason. Mind your own business.
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What's the point of those new Etch-it Bud Light bottles with the tiny swatch you can
"write" on? There's barely enough room for me to scrawl, the word "lame".
Dear bartender... I ASKED for a Corona...
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If I had a WWJD bracelet & it snapped & nailed me in the eye, could I sue the Vatican, or is that not WJWD?
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Karma: Giving solace to people who are too lazy or scared to contemplate the joy of revenge....
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Fact: About 75 acres of pizza are eaten in in the U.S. everyday.
We must do something about our dwindling pizza forests, people!
College kids, stoners, and lazy, single dads are decimating our junk food ecosystem!
I remember when wild pepperoni used to roam the plains...
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My calendar from the bank is either missing the last few months
due to a printing error, or they have a different
doomsday deadline than the Mayans did.
|
How is it that "Chicken of the Sea" brand tuna caught on, but
"Tuna of the Land" brand chicken is just not flying off the shelves?
|
If Lindsay Lohan was a zombie, I'd bet she'd spend her time gnawing on her victims' asses,
assuming that's where EVERYBODY keeps their brains.
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#WeedCommandments Thou shalt not...ummm... something... um... hey, are there any Pizza Rolls left, dude?
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Twitter suggested I follow Liz Taylor. Liz passed away! Is your "suggestion" some sort of a veiled threat, Twitter?
|
Spoiler alert! At the end of "The Sixth Sense"...
... Craig Ligget was the rigging gaffer.
|
If your heart were really "heart-shaped", it would be mighty uncomfortable
as the pointy bottom would jab at your organs beneath it.
|
So.... Ashton Kutcher is replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men.
One of the big changes is that instead of the star smelling like scotch and hooker sweat,
this one will smell like Demi Moore's arthritis ointment.
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6-yr-old Croatian ‘Magnetic Boy’ is Attracting a Lot of Curiosity
Magnetic? Are they sure the kid's not just sticky? Fat kids do enjoy jelly...
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EXPLICIT? Somehow Lady Gaga manages to make dick shoes seem pedestrian...
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I thought Ron Jeremy had an impressive porn 'stache... Osama doesn't really have much of a porn 'stache...
Oh... porn stash? Nevermind.
|
Hey, "Quote of the Day"... Success is a journey, not a destination? Where did you get your facts?
By the way... you have achieved Success when you have not experienced Cockburn.
|
The Scrabble Dictionary has added the words, "thang" and "grrl".
In other news, we will soon be voting whether or not to
add the word "duh" at the end of the Pledge of Allegiance...
|
Do you think if Kevin Bacon had a British girlfriend she'd nickname his genitals, "Bacon Bits?"
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Abstinence makes the hard grow harder...
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iPhone should have an ad stating, "These are not the Droids you are looking for..."
#maythe4thbewithyou #starwarsday
|
Actress Olivia Wilde used to be Olivia Cockburn. Understandable name-change.
Turns guys' sex expectations from scary to awesome.
|
I learned cursive writing by watching skywriters....
|
I'm starting a 5k run to raise funds for men who are terminally pee-shy.
It's a real affliction, dammit!
|
It's Star Wars Day already? Bullsith!
|
Chris Brown's getting a Rihanna-shaped birthday cake.
I believe it's a pound cake. #happybirthdaychrisbrown
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Seals shot Bin Laden? Damn! I know they can balance beach balls
on their noses and honk horns, but I am crazy impressed they can work a gun when....
...Oh. NAVY Seals? I also didn't know they could join the military...
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Andy Dick was arrested once again, for public drunkenness. Police in southern
California responded to a complaint regarding an “intoxicated male
subject who was causing a disturbance"
Was that "disturbance", (according to this picture),
undressing someone's skeleton with his eyes?
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The right wing is demanding photos of Osama Bin Laden's corpse.
They demand evidence for birth AND death,
yet inexplicably they claim to believe in Jesus...
|
If I had a job at "Bath & Body Works", I'd probably be fired for making too many
"it puts the lotion in the basket" references...
|
I once had a promising career as a bikini inspector.
|
The UK is getting their own version of "Jersey Shore" called "Geordie Shore"
I wonder if they're going to have a "Snookums" or "The Happenstance".
|
Ladies... looking for a guy with money? Hang around the gas station for a while.
See a dude filling a whole tank? There's your fella!
|
Since when is "From the guys who brought you 'White Chicks' and 'Little Man'" a selling point for a movie?
Might as well eat at a restaurant that advertises, "From the place that brought you ptomaine poisoning".
|
So I see the President
has found his "Worldwide
Egg Distribution" czar...
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Fun Fact: An ostrich is the fastest bird and can run up to 70 km/h.
Sad Fact: I do not know, nor will I research, what that works out to in miles per hour.
|
Best way to effectively keep away Jersey Shore douchebags?
Axe Pepper Spray
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President Obama had a town hall meeting at Zuckerberg's Facebook headquarters today. One
of the announcements was that cuts in the national budget were going to eliminate Farmville subsidies.
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I have several contingency plans in mind in case of a Zombie apocalypse. Effectiveness may vary.
Show zombies a little tough love and, after some initial resistance, gain their respect a la Michelle Pfeiffer in "Dangerous Minds"
Cheerleading contest in style of "Bring it On". I feel my slight advantage in limberness will put me ahead.
Spread snarky gossip among the zombies and watch them cattily fight among themselves like Kardashians.
Be continually surrounded by TVs that are always playing, "According to Jim", although this method might harm me more than them. Come to think of it, that show's primary demographic were mindless zombies...
Little known fact: Axe Body Spray is an equally effective zombie repellent as it is a skank attractor.
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Where is the gland that secretes this, "elbow grease"?
|
That giant fetus floating around space in "2001: A Space Odyssey" is about 10 years old now and very chilly without pants.
|
If I owned an eatery, for Easter breakfast I would offer a Cadbury Egg omelette.
|
You think anyone's ever named their penis, "Michael Chiklis?"
|
I think the definition of someone investing an endless load of money
into a project & expecting awesomeness based on a few glimmers of success
in the past should be called "Shyamalaning."
|
I'd be willing to bet that Michele Bachmann's lady-parts are reminiscent of the Cloverfield monster...
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Little-Known Key West Fun Facts!
Sloppy Joes' meat is comprised of 35% beef, 20% filler, and 45% tourists
that have gone missing under sketchy circumstances.
It is a widely-held belief that it's good luck to rub your bare genitalia upon the Southernmost Point Buoy.
Toby Keith, when in town, can often be found sniffing the Southernmost Point Buoy.
Many of the homeless people on the Key West streets are actually magic genies in disguise.
Do not hesitate to ask them for things like money and cars. You might just get lucky...
The real reason for Henry Flagler's Overseas Railroad was so he could expand his
opium and sex-slave trade.
If you even SAY the words "cheeseburger" "paradise" " Margaritaville" "coconut" or "telegraph", Jimmy Buffett's lawyers WILL sue the @#$% out of you. (Weird footnote: that also includes the term, "nipple play". Nobody knows why...)
If you tip 50 bucks to the tour guide at The Hemingway House, he will show you the room that contains Hemingway's skeleton, devices from his sex-dungeon, and his unpublished novel, "Papa Likes Smooth-Chested Native Boys".
Manatee tastes delicious.
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This seems like one of those situations where an ampersand is necessary.
Or maybe Florida City's "Mutineer Restaurant" specializes in
cool refreshing fish cocktails.
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Nicolas Cage Arrested for Domestic Abuse in New Orleans
Who was the victim? The movie career he's been dragging through the mud? The career that flinches defensively everytime he raises his hand to sign a contract? The career that had to go to several group therapy meetings after "The Wicker Man"?
Nic... you and your career had something special back during, "Leaving Las Vegas".
No doubt it was a magical romance. But c'mon, man. The magic is clearly gone.
Time to separate amicably and get on with your lives.
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Florida Senate Mulls Issuing Permits To Panhandlers
Sen. Jack Latvala, R-St. Petersburg and whose district has had an ongoing battle in dealing with panhandling, said the proposal is not meant to hurt the homeless. He said it is an attempt to go after those people who lie and are in fact financially stable, but choose to panhandle.
"If you say that you're pregnant, you better be," said Latvala. "If you say you're homeless, you need to be. If you say you are a veteran, you darn well should have been."
So, what about the ones that claim that that the government has been stealing their thoughts and they've been sterilized by intergalactic warlords? Will there be a thorough investigation for those sort of claims?
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I cried because I had no shoes, then I met a man who had no feet. So I stole his wallet and ran away
because, hey... it's not like he was gonna catch me.
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A family outing to an Applebee's near Detroit on Friday night took a turn for the weird after a 15-month-old was served a margarita in his sippy cup.
The boy's mother finally noticed when he was hitting on female toddlers way out of his league.
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The 'play' button broke off my Walkman. Now how am
I going to play my new Lita Ford cassette? #1980sTweets
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Will those new electronic cigarettes give you e–mphysema?
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Enchantment at the Waffle House #BadPromThemes
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In a recent study, they've discovered marijuana farms eat up 1% of the nation's electricity.
Future studies will determine how much power is used from weed-smokers' microwaving
burritos and late-night viewings of the Cartoon Network.
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Katrina-Palooza! #BadPromThemes
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Pall Arason donated his member to the Iceland penis museum.
They say his penis will be pickled, which coincidentally was his
state when he made the decision to donate his wang to a penis museum....
Also, I assume it must be amusing for the curator of the
penis museum to tell people, "I work with a bunch of dicks..."
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#IfGovernmentShutsDown everyone pretending to be working can take a hard-earned break.
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Had one of those drunken "Memento"-style weekends where the mystery I'm trying to solve is where the hell my @#$%ing money went...
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In Egypt, they've recently unearthed millions of mummified puppies.
This story has inspired Hollywood to script one of the most adorable horror movies ever.
Be on the lookout next summer for, "The Curse of Snuggles' Tomb"
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When I saw the gossip website headline that read, "Jennifer Aniston's Dramatic Career Move",
I was thinking, "Let it be porn... please let it be porn..."
Turns out she was just directing some movie for Lifetime. How disappointing...
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Gov. Scott Walker's tax cuts for the rich helped Wisconsin like money
spent at McDonald's helps the pigeons in the parking lot.
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I was never sure my cousin would amount to anything but, to my surprise, I hear he's a scientist.
It seems he's working in a lab somewhere making some medicine called "meth". So very proud.
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It's "Blue Collar Holla" weekend on Comedy Central. Coincidentally,
it's also, "Dan's not watching Comedy Central" weekend as well.
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I once knew a stripper named Chuckles McBooty. Her implants were whoopee
cushions & she'd use a gag joy buzzer during lapdances. #aprilfool
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Good Friday and Earth Day are on the same day this year. Popular day for the long-hairs.
|
Gave a cat a cheeseburger. He seemed totally disinterested. Don't know what the internet hype is about...
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Filed under: Movies I'd gladly watch– Volume 2
Hannah Montana Vs. Sharktopus
Kool Aid Man: The Movie
Honey, I Shrunk the Kardashians and Stepped on Them. Get Me a Kleenex.
Breakin' 3: Electric Wheelchair Boogaloo
Godzilla: Not That Shitty Godzilla From 1998, But a Better One
Care Bears Vs. My Little Ponies (Directed by Zack Snyder)
Beyoncé Naked for 90 Minutes (in 3D)
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Don't touch Lindsay #threewordstoliveby
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Attention, bikers that wear the T-shirts that say, "If you can read this, the bitch fell off!"
Those shirts only make sense if you're on a motorcycle.
If you are wearing one
while standing and walking, does that mean she fell off
while you were giving her a piggy-back ride?
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#ThingsThatDontGoTogether
Gin and hair tonic
Laurel and Ed Hardy
Macaroni and toe cheese
Snookies and milk
Peanut butter and K-Y Jelly
Mackerel & Cheese
Nigerian Prince-related e-mails and my new Porsche
Lady Gaga and subtlety
White Castle and solid stool
A woman's uterus and Republicans that mind their own business
Macaulay Culkin and Cheese
Batman and Robin Williams
Harry Potter obsessions and getting laid
Sex fantasies and Waffle House waitresses
Correct spelling and Tea Party rallies
Clever, grammatically correct critiques and the YouTube comments section
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"...and the dish ran away with the spoon. They moved to the West Coast, made good mone
y in the adult movie industry**, (**see 'Orgy in the Pantry") then settled down in a
swanky gated community. The dish developed a drug addiction, (he WAS stoneware), and the
spoon went on to be featured in 'The Real Flatware of Orange County.'"
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If there were a Snooki sex tape, it wouldn't leak. It would OOZE....
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Filed under: Movies I'd gladly watch...
Sex in the City 3: Carrie Vs. Predator
Inception 2: The Cliffs Notes Version
Iron Man 3: Rise of the Insurance Claims Adjusters
Nicolas Cage Gets Thrown into a Volcano
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People wondered why Michael Jackson took tranquilizers. I think it's for the same reason many suburban moms do.
Sometimes, it's the only way to block out the sound of screaming kids.
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I guess this would be the exact opposite of "ribbed for her pleasure".
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How do you know if a didgeridoo player is doing a good job?
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Now playing on the Dan Schwab Country Radio Network: "My Heart Aches... Could be the Chicken-Fried Steak"
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A study carried out by German researchers suggests that staring at
women's breasts is good for men's health and increases their life expectancy.
"Just 10 minutes of looking at the charms of a well-endowed female is equivalent
to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," said author Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist.
So, ladies... Don't be offended if I ogle. I'm just taking my daily medication...
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C'mon, Gary Busey! Stripping is a beautiful thing and you just turned it
into a horrific nightmare! You've tainted that pole for all other taints...
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Okay.... I understand how the photo might match up with the ad on the bottom, but I don't understand the top.... If I don't refinance my mortgage, is she gonna beat me up?
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Hey, Denny's... stop trying to pass yourself off as a diner. Diners have personality.
It's like Paris Hilton trying to pass herself off as Liza Minnelli .
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I'm tired of news sites using the term "baby bump" when referring to celebs' pregnancies.
If they want to be weird about it, they might as well just say,
"Look... Kate Hudson's showing off her fetal protrusion!"
Then again, it may be the alliteration of "baby bump" that's so appealing.
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They say Megan Fox is struggling to gain weight. I say she needs to struggle to gain DEPTH.
(This snarky comment is sponsored by "The Foundation for People Who Claim They Aren't Into
Megan Fox, But Secretly Want to Bone Her.")
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What happens when I'm bored and have access to Photoshop.
 
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More quotes from me after I had my tiger blood transfusion and
had a geneticist alter my DNA with Adonis nucleotides.
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Today, at the beach, I made several seagulls crash into each other because they were blinded by my majestic aura! It's difficult to contain my brilliance! I am a beacon penetrating Earth's gloom; protecting the masses from smashing upon the rocks of mediocrity.
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
What am I having for breakfast? Two scoops of Adonis DNA in a bowl of tiger blood! I'm not even going to eat it. I'm going to will it into my stomach! You suckers are bound to this terrestrial life. You don't know the deal! I'm ethereal, bro!
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
If Watson –that computer on "Jeopardy"– matched wits with me, he'd fry his circuit boards just from the electromagnetic awesomeness vibes I exude! Someone design me a superhero cape!
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
Harry Potter's a pussy! Who needs a wand? I could destroy Voldemort just by thinking about scattering his atoms into the netherworld! I have a scar on my head in the shape of a "thumbs up"!
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
Yeah, I'm a hero! And not one of those everyday heroes like cops or firemen. You know who I've rescued? ALL OF AMERICA! And they don't even realize I've done it. That's the kind of hero I am.... I don't need the credit. I'm just stoked that I've got the power to do whatever my laser-focused mind wants to do! Get with the program, drones!
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
I put my fist in the ground, a tree grows! Not just a regular tree either... an awesome, gigantic, behemoth tree that bears fruits such as emeralds, Mp3 players, and 21-year old bottles of scotch. The leaves are made from $100 bills with MY face on them. And YES they are legal tender! Anybody disputes it, I will suffocate their mind!
What do YOU grow? Azaleas? You're a nobody!
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How much of a success am I? Alexander the Great texted me from
the Great Beyond to tell me I was AWESOME!
#FakeCharlieSheenQuotes
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I can slay a dragon with just my hyperwinability, my winnitude,
and whatever other term I decide to winvent!
#FakeCharlieSheenQuotes
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My steely gaze can pierce kevlar! It will cook your internal organs, bro!
#FakeCharlieSheenQuotes
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Your missing kid would usually be considered a legitimately missing kid.
Your missing cat, however, probably just didn't care for you very much.
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Suck it, Mrs. Butterworth! You don't know the intensity I bring to the breakfast table! #FakeCharlieSheenQuotes
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Think Secretariat was a winner? I'll smoke his remains while nailing porn stars on his saddle!
I'm the winner!
#FakeCharlieSheenQuotes
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"Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown's 17-year-old daughter Bobbi Kristina allegedly snorting coke."
That photo is very misleading ...
That's just the way her parents taught her to most effectively take her Flinstones Vitamins.
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I am part wizard and part Jesus. I can't be killed!
#FakeCharlieSheenQuotes
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Filed under: Websites I've Looked Up Just to See if There Were such a Website
I wonder why the domain was disabled? Poor taste? Or maybe not enough
material for the asscheese-lovin' public.
|
Charlie Sheen says the drug he's high on is "Charlie Sheen". Someone should
track down his dealer. Let him know that he's pushing a defective product.
|
I always wanted a Batman-style utility belt until I realized it takes me
forever just to find my keys in my 6-pocket cargo shorts...
|
I like the term "Loosey Goosey", but it's not a great stripper name.
|
An ice cream shop in London is now offering breast milk ice cream.
I figured I'd bounce an idea off of them as to a new mascot...
|
Backing out of the driveway, the crunch you hear from under your wheels is only a soda bottle & not your neighbor's cat's skeleton. #smalljoys
|
If I saw this flag on an oncoming ship, I would assume we were about to be boarded by the most indifferent pirates ever.
|
Pisces horoscope for today: Later this year, you will get lost in the woods, and a panther will eat your face.
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Today's horoscope for a Libra panther: Later this year, you will enjoy the meal of a yummy face.
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I think my wall clock exists in some sort of pocket dimension where time moves just a handful of seconds slower than normal– making the clock more inaccurate by the day.
Either that, or I need to buy new batteries... but it can't possibly be as simple as all that.
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