Jimmy Dean's "Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick." It's like a party in your mouth and everyone's heart is exploding. #thingsthedevilinvented

Clowns aren't bad. They're just painted that way...

Arachnophobia – fear of spiders
Androphobia – fear of men.
Arachnoandrophopia – fear of Spiderman

#thingsthedevilinvented
Ed Hardy. Or maybe Ed Hardy is the Devil and his shitty, douchebag-magnet products are his inventions.

I guess texting while underwater will make the "LOL" and the "ROTFL"
sort of insincere. They'll have to come up with new abbreviations.

WWJP: Water Warmer. Just Peed IIAF: I Inhaled A Fish RASSH: Ringtone Attracting Sharks. Send Help

#ImOldEnough to know that there's no such thing as a Tooth Fairy. The teeth are taken by goblins who use them to build their underground lairs.

In a country where "to the victor belong the spoils"... why isn't Aaron Burr on the $10 bill?

Insane Clown Pussycat Dolls #AwfulSuperGroups

So, no smoking while brushing my teeth. Got it.

Megan Fox's acting skills are comparable to her NBA dunking skills.

I'd like to tell her what my redneck cousin, Billy-Joe Bob told his daughter.

"Yer lucky yer purty, or else someone would've drown'd yew a long time ago..."

I'm not sure what's worse.... people making small talk with me while I'm at a urinal, or me returning the small talk, then finding out they're just on a Bluetooth headset and it's like I'M bothering THEM.

Either way, someone's looking to get force-fed a urinal cake...

On her 30th birthday Kim Kardashian celebrated by doing a keg stand.

When interviewed later, the beer keg claimed it was the worst experience he's ever had. He felt violated and was concerned because he didn't know where Kardashian's lips have been...

Apparently people consider their car's blinker function like they do their appendix. They assumed it had a practical use some time ago, but nobody really thinks about it anymore.

I am absolutely going to buy some advertising air time on the Glenn Beck program
as soon as I get my tin-foil hat business up & running...

Filed under: Websites I've Looked Up Just to See if There Were such a Website

Lindsay Lohan isn't so much a train wreck as she is a 747 filled with orphans crashing into an ocean liner carrying the doctor who would have one day invented the anti-cancer pill.

TOP TEN PERKS OF HAVING YOUR WEDDING AT McDONALD'S

10. Option of having Mayor McCheese preside over ceremony. 9. Wedding program written on kids' placemats. 8. DJ will play the Spicy McChicken Dance and the Big Macarena. 7. Happy Meal gift boxes for guests. 6. If the Hamburglar crashes your wedding, the ceremony is free! 5. Entree choices are chicken, fish, or McRib. 4. Ability to Super-Size wedding cake for extra 49¢. 3. Bride & groom have exclusive access to PlayPlace ball pit. 2. If the bride's father is not present to walk her down the aisle, Grimace will be made available. 1. Shamrock Shake Champagne.

What is it going to take for the monocle to make a fashion comeback? Justin Beiber or Ashton Kutcher sporting one? Ed Hardy slapping his name on one?

Ladies love the monocle!

Some people say that Valentine's Day is just a fake holiday invented by the greeting card industry.

Then is it also true that the biblical version of Easter got co-opted by the American Egg Council? Or by the Foundation for Iconic Bunnies? Maybe whatever company makes that fake cellophane grass for Easter baskets?

Where can I apply to be the Commissioner of Foxy Boxing?

In 1992, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, charged that Anheuser-Busch used Spuds MacKenzie in their ads to lure kids into drinking beer. Really? When kids start earting out of the garbage and sniffing each others' butts, I might believe dogs are wielding that caliber of influence.

Save money on feminine hygiene products. Buy ShamWow panties.

Stephen King character has mommy issues. #sixwordnovels

Given the success of the fashionable, "pocketbook dogs", I'm trying to come up with a similar trend myself.
I'm thinking, "wallet hamster".

Can't you feel the love from my blank, zombie stare and my greeting painted in what may or may not be human blood? Just ask my demonic dog, here...

People have committed murder for many different reasons. Jealousy... war... revenge...

Do you think anyone's ever done it for a Klondike Bar?

The American average bust size in the past 15 years has increased from a 34B to a 36C.

I now believe scientists are secretly trying to raise an army of Hooters waitresses or dates for Charlie Sheen.

I clicked on a link to a gossip page that was titled, "Selma Blair Pregnant in a Bikini". Like eating tofu or watching an episode of, "According to Jim", I knew nothing rewarding would come of it, but I did it anyway...

Parasailing Donkey Dies of Heart Attack

What we've learned so far as animal recreational activities are concerned...

Water-skiing squirrels= cute

Parasailing donkeys= tragic

I don't think I'm looking forward to the new Spider-Man reboot. What the hell is up with this costume? It's like the offspring of a figure skater and a Power Ranger. It actually looks more like one of those off-brand Chinese Spider-Man figures you'd find in the 99¢ store. "Action Human Karate Spider"

And what's up with his junk? It looks filthy... like street bums were pawing at it. Maybe that's part of the gritty reboot. He has a predilection for receiving pleasure at the hands of homeless transients...

Is THIS how they advertise for low mortgage rates? Seems more like a
MySpace profile pic of a drunk sorority chick.

I lost a butt-load on the Puppy Bowl. The Labradors did NOT cover the spread.

This is not the photo he used on "Giraffe Match.com". He's also not a professional snowboarder. Liar.

I have been married for 11 years. Throughout our marriage, he has been unfaithful. We have three children under age 12. I work a minimum-wage job and have no family, nowhere to go, and no one to turn to. A few months ago, he brought home a sexually transmitted disease, which he gave to me. I feel trapped, alone and terribly depressed. Should I stay until I'm financially able to leave? Or should I flee now and hope for the best? – Hopelessly Depressed     in Seattle   Dear Hopelessly Depressed, Bust a move.

Excerpt from Young M.C.'s short-lived advice column

I hate those guys with the rear-windshield decals of Calvin peeing on things so much
that I kinda want to get a decal of Calvin peeing on them...

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,

Get outta my dreams, get in front of my car.

So that's what a UFO looks like, huh? I say, bring on the alien invasion!

(Sorry I had to add the black bars to make it more website-friendly...)

It's not you, it's me... and her... and her... and him... and that duck over there... #breakupexcuses

I think the perfect name for one of those religion-themed book & gift shops would be called, "Holy Crap".

Sorry, babe. They finally perfected a sex doll with a beer tap. #breakupexcuses

Do you think there was a crapper in the Batcave? If so, I suppose Batman had to have a basic knowledge of plumbing. If not, there's probably some regular shlub out there with a plumber's crack and a huge f**king secret...

International Winehouse of Pancakes #FailedFastFood

It's not you, it's me... and her... and him... and that duck over there... #breakupexcuses

Granny panties are fine on a young woman. What you want to avoid is Granny in a thong.

"W" Magazine upset Kim Kardashian when they showed her "full-on nipple" in a recent pictorial.

Kim Kardashian mad about people seeing her nipple is like Pepsi getting mad that someone tasted their cola.

Also, "Full-On Nipple" would make a great title of a porn/action movie starring Jenna Jameson and Jason Statham.

I prefer to wear contacts. I shouldn't wear glasses because I feel that glasses are for smart people. And I don't deserve to wear glasses... because I feel like I screwed up my vision as a teenager trying to watch the scrambled Playboy Channel. And that's not smart.

Don't know what I thought was such a turn-on watching a nipple zig-zagging across the screen, like some X-rated game of Pong.

The prescription drug Chantix™ that's supposed to help you quit smoking lists as side-effects, "changes in behavior, hostility, agitation, depressed mood, and suicidal thoughts"

Are they sure it's the drug and not the side effects from simply trying to quit smoking?

I was low on cash so I tried selling my sperm... but I had too much competition from the kid across the street with the lemonade stand.

...and it took me entirely too long to fill up a whole pitcher.

regarding the recent instability in Egypt...

I always thought the next Egyptian unrest would involve mummies....

On the way to work, saw one of the local homeless drunk guys with a bandaged-up nose. Figure he may have had a little "winoplasty?"

What kind of world is this where we can't locate Bin Laden, but we have little trouble finding Carmen Sandiego?

Roethlisberger Bites #FailedFastFood

Some travelers had their gun confiscated from airport security. Were they flying out of Lilliput?

Years from now, Facebook is going to be so powerful that they will make it possible that the recently deceased will still be able to communicate with the living through their Facebook pages.

Problem is, they'll still be sending Farmville requests...

If he has that weather forecast for more than four hours, he should go see his doctor....

Honey Bunches of John Oates #awfulcereal

Hey, guy on bicycle chatting on the cell phone... Who are you talking to, Darwinism? Because it clearly has your number.

"Joy" is a more appropriate name for a hand lotion than a dishwashing liquid.

The Wikipedia entry for the band Phish should simply read: "Foster parents for orphaned Grateful Dead fans."

Snooki Crisp #awfulcereal

When did Don Imus look directly into the Ark of the Covenant?

Filet O'Fisher Stevens #FailedFastFood

I've met quite a few artists. In describing themselves, I'm not terribly shocked to find that the term "tortured genius" seems to be synonymous with, "pretentious douchebag".

#YouCantBeUgly and get any role in the porn industry other than, "Background Character #7"

#YouCantBeUgly and say your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. It usually makes people run screaming from the yard.

I want an Osterducken: An ostrich stuffed with a turkey, duck, & chicken. It's not like we've hit the limit of what we can do with poultry.

According to the Christian bible, before the apocalypse, there will be a Rapture. Jesus is going to come and get all the good people and take ’em up to heaven while everybody else is left to burn in a rainstorm of magma, or drown as the seas rise dramatically, or suffer some worse fate- like being forced to watch a baby-oiled Gilbert Gottfried do a strip tease while simultaneously performing Justin Beiber covers as the damned are being dry-humped by their creepiest uncle.... you know...whatever Earth’s apocalyptic fate may be.

Knowledge of an impending Rapture is not the sort of information I should have had as a 9-year old. When a long-haired, bearded dude in a rusty VW bus said it was, "time to go with him", I wanted to get to that Rapture party before Heaven found out about that incident with the silicon caulking gun and the neighbor’s cat.

Fortunately Mom intervened before I could hop aboard "Jesus’" magic bus.

My wife watches that BBC diet show, "You Are What You Eat" with Gillian McKeith. Gillian's main motivation phrase, which my wife has adopted, is "It's my way, or the highway."

I have to say, "You know what? I choose the highway. Because, out on the highway, there's a Burger King. And they don't serve anything that even resembles a f**king sprout."

The ad for the movie, "Morning Glory", said Rachel McAdams will "steal your heart". Is it a horror movie? Is Rachel McAdams a ghoul?

Jurassic Park: Securing the Proper Permits #boringprequels

For the Veteran's Day parade, I considered dressing up like a Pepsi can and insisting that I was a veteran of the Cola Wars.

If a turkey were actually shaped like a hand, which finger do you figure would be the most delicious?

Dude, Where's My Big-Wheel? #boringprequels

Sesame Street had a problem with Katy Perry's cleavage, so they nixed her guest appearance. Things are getting mighty uptight on the "Street." Katy Perry's cleavage is one of America's greatest treasures! To cover it up would be like tossing a tarp over the Liberty Bell!

What I miss about the 90's : Music

Whitney Houston was still a diva with a golden voice, before she was a crack ho' with a has-been leech. Certain has-been leeches still had careers at this point as well.

Milli Vanilli told us to "Blame it on the Rain" and we did, man. We blamed the f*ck out of it. It was great until they were outed as lip-syncers and subsequently brought shame to any other duos named Rob and Fab.

And the man who brought us the lady-lovin song, Rico Suavé, that Ecuadorian genius, Gerardo! He was.... he was just....um....hmm....

Wow.... I can't bring myself to wax nostalgic about Gerardo.... unless we talk about the unifying hatred this nation felt for him. It brought us together like "Hands Across America" except those hands all wanted to crush Gerardo's windpipe.

I saw someone trying to sell their used toilet at a yard sale. Why they kept it around is beyond comprehension– never mind that they thought it had a resale value...

"Howdy, sir. I couldn't help but notice that porcelain gem you have over there. I am so weary of anonymous retail stores selling me their toilets with such a cold and unfeeling disregard. I'd like to know a bowl is broken-in... and to meet the man who's pasty, scrawny legs have trembled upon its seat while pinching off a steamer. Could you describe to me, first-hand, any amusing bowel movement-related anecdotes?

"Aren't you a fuzzy wittle guy?" is an appropriate question for both a puppy and Danny DeVito.

I remember the day that I realized I wasn't nearly as bright as I thought I was.

I was at Publix and wanted to leaf through a copy of MAXIM with Carmen Electra on the cover, then was disappointed to see that it was the Spanish version of Maxim- so I put it back on the rack.

Was I afraid I wouldn't be able to translate boobs?

WHY does the media completely ignore King Latifah and Sir Gaga?

I've seen a million faces... and I've nearly rocked half of them. Jon Bon Jovi has better time management than I do.

On the 4th of July:

It's America's birthday! Let's all chip in and get America a lapdance from Switzerland.

If you "dropped a deuce" at a comedy club, I guess you could say you were there for "sh*ts & giggles".

Wow... even I have to apologize for that one....

I think the Paul Simon song, "50 ways to Leave Your Lover" is misleading. He lists only FIVE ways. Not very comprehensive.

"Slip out the back, Jack?" What if Jack lives in a high-rise? "Make a new plan, Stan?" Sounds kinda vague... What about "Say she looks fat, Matt"? "Sleep with her sis, Chris" ? "Compare her to her mom, Tom" ?

I never promised you a rose garden... because that would be a ridiculous thing to promise somebody. I might promise you a six-pack of Miller High Life or a sack of White Castles. But, that's the extent of my generosity. So lower your expectations, you rose garden-lovin' wackadoos!

Note to future Dan... if time travel has been invented, please arrive here in 2 minutes and let me know how things are going...

Future Dan– As you have not arrived I will have to assume that...

A: Time travel hasn't been invented in your lifetime.

B: Time travel HAS been invented but you're too poor to afford that sort of exorbitance and wealthy people are the only ones who get the luxury of hopscotching through the time stream.

C: You died early due to arterial sclerosis from eating too many of those deep-fried pudding pockets that I'm planning to invent.

I'm guessing C...