Nearly two decades ago, I caught a flick on late-night cable that, to this day, made an impression on me. I compare it to the same sort of impression as accidentally walking in on your parents getting it on. You know their intention is sexual, but it just makes you feel awkward and uncomfortable and makes everything exponentially less sexy for a while. For the next week, you might actually read Playboy for the articles...

Buford's Beach Bunnies

I recently rediscovered this little diamond in the rough... wait... did I say, "diamond in the rough?" Sorry. I meant "turd in a mountain of manure." The movie was "Buford's Beach Bunnies". A cheesy T&A film where the T&A doesn't make up for the PTSD it gives you afterwards. "Buford's" is usually described as a "B" movie. But, a letter further down the line is more appropos. We would actually need at least a 31-character alphabet to properly ascribe a letter to it. I'd like to say, "It's so bad, it's good", like "Plan 9 From Outer Space" or "Manos: The Hands of Fate". But, those films had kind of a campy appeal. This is campy if it's describing a camp that closed because so many kids drowned and counselors were slaughtered by an axe-wielding madman. With this movie, the only way you could feel good about having watched it would be seeing the cast & crew's mass-suicide note at the end of the credits. That way, it might reassure you that no sane person could have been involved with this film, and that never again might any of them soil celluloid in such a fashion...

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but check it out sometime. Ya wanna talk about "Buford's Beach Bunnies'" star power? The film's lead actor was, well... I'll give you a hint... " _ _ m Hanks." If you guessed JIM Hanks, you'd be correct. You'd also be exceptionally schooled in Skinemax soft-core fare. Bravo. That's right, the little brother of Tom Hanks starred in a low-budget sex-romp. Rumor has it, some of Forrest Gump's mannerisms were based on Jim's role in Buford's Beach Bunnies. I'd like to say I was joking, but look it up. He has a similar voice to Tom Hanks. He just doesn't have the looks, the resumé, or the talent.

He had kind of a Jim "Hey Vern" Varney kinda star-quality, though...

It was a Pirromount Picture. Yes, I know how to spell. The director's name is Mark Pirro. He is also the writer, editor, actor, and, rumor has it, fluffer. The film didn't need a fluffer, but I hear he just made random offers...

Mr. Pirro burst into sub-mediocrity with his first feature, "A Polish Vampire in Burbank".

It also starred Eddie Deezen. You may know him as "Eugene"
from Grease. Oh, Mr. Pirro... always snagging the top talents.

I have yet to see this cinematic gem, but I'll assume it may have been riddled with Polish jokes. Hey... speaking of that, I've got one for ya...

Why did the Polish Vampire want a refund at the movie theater?

When he saw an ad for "There Will Be Blood" he
assumed it was for the concession stand.

Yeah, I just made that lame joke up. Sorry, but I can't imagine "A Polish Vampire in Burbank" did much better considering one of the lines from BBB describing the lead character's need to get laid was,

"Jeeter just needs to find a home for his lost prairie gopher.”

Wow... straight out of a Mamet play...

Here's the official synopsis of BBB:

Fast-food mogul Harry Buford serves up the best barbecued bunny sandwiches, and the hottest waitresses, in town. His only son, Jeeter, will inherit the empire only if he can overcome his life-long fear of women. When Buford offers $100,000 to the first of his sexy employees who can turn shy-guy Jeeter into a red-blooded he-man, the summer heat sizzles as Amber, Boopsie and Lauren pour on the charm in their efforts to win Jeeter's heart.

I feel like Mark Pirro may have watched Porky's and thought, how do I make a version of this, but without the cleverness, budget, and need to entertain?

How do I properly convey to you the awfulness that is, "Buford's Beach Bunnies?"

Here, come take the journey with me...

The haphazard, slapped-together, and "as though directed by someone with narcolepsy" feel of BBB is evident right out of the gate as the title screen reads "Bufford's Beach Bunnies" with TWO "F"s.

Maybe it was a gag... as in, "The extra "F" is for @#$%ing." Otherwise, they paid attention to detail like Tom Cruise pays attention to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

You also have to dig the theme song which goes a little something like:.

They were Beach Bunnies B-B-B-Buford's Beach Bunnies Shake it 'til it makes ya feel gooood..

I would post the rest of the lyrics but, due to the poor sound quality, I can only get the gist of the song, which is that Buford owns an eatery of some sort, and his employees have rather loose morals. Also, picture the song wrapped in a rich tapestry of funky sax and 1980's-style synth beats.

Fun fact: Mark Pirro was the composer to this song as well! That guy wore a lot of hats. A lot of really untalented hats...

Our story begins with a teenage Jeeter and his friends who are taking him to the local whorehouse to pop his cherry.

Recognize the madam? Why, she's Kitten Natividad! She's noted for her exotic dancing, her roles in Russ Meyer films, and the fact that she could smuggle a Mexican family across the border in her bra.

It was at this whorehouse that something unspecified, yet tragic, traumatized young Jeeter. Maybe he accidentally requested the "Dirty Sanchez". Or the "Lithuanian Omelette." Perhaps the
"Glastonbury Tilt-a-Whirl." I suppose we'll find out later...

Fast-forward some years later and we are watching Jeeter's Dad, Harry Buford, in an ad for his bunny meat fast-food joint, "The Bunny Hole".

Bunnies bunnies here and there... Bunnies bunnies everywhere! It must have took those gals forever to learn the lyrics to that Bunny Hole jingle...

He suggests the "Roadkill Special" where you bring in your roadkill and they prepare it for 50% off. Like a 'we'll cook your catch' kind of thing, except with a greater chance of e-coli and rabies. Still better than Long John Silver's, though...

Cut to Harry Buford watching his own commercial while laid up in the hospital after suffering a mild heart attack. He is being tended to by several nurses and Doctor Van Horney. I'll assume Buford must have given this hospital several grants with the stipulation that all the medical staff wear outfits from a strip-o-gram garment supplier...

Harry Buford: (After getting his temperature taken rectally) What's the difference between takin' it there, and in the mouth? Doctor Van Horney: The taste.

Fun Fact: Dr. Van Horney is played by Robyn Webb who's other acting credits include:
Nothing. Not a damn other thing.

Meanwhile, at The Bunny Hole, the bunnies are hard at work: Both the employees and the entrees.

This is where we meet the enchanting Miss Beula Lugosi

Ha! I get it!

Oh... by the way. I was so distracted by the fry cook with the crunchy skeleton that I almost forgot to tell you– Beula has sort of a catch-phrase...

I'm guessing that director Mark Pirro has some sort obsession with buttholes considering this line, the fact that Eddie Deezen's character in "Polish Vampire" was named "Sphincter", and Pirro's other notable work:

RECTUMA: The Terror Lurking Behind you Could Be Your Own Behind

I desperately want to check out the plot for "Rectuma", but I'm going to save that for a day when I'm feeling bummed. Might be a nice pick-me-up.