DAN'S LIVEJOURNAL

The tale of an eager man-child, his bumbling employees, and their attempts to transform a struggling LiveJournal page into an empire. We now bring you the story -already in progress...

-Please don't judge too harshly

*Journal Under Construction- Sorry for the Inconvenience*

I apologize for the condition of this Journal space. We just got the thing up and running. It was formerly a "Long John Silver's" and the place still smells vaguely like fried shrimp. Plus, there are still several crates of hush puppies currently defrosting on the floor and I have no idea what to do with them... Any takers?

I'm sort of caught with my pants down here... no, this isn't that sort of Journal. It's just that I opened this dang thing without any proper advertising. We're on a low budget here and I can only hire folks of negligible intelligence who I have convinced that minimum wage is $1.35/hr. So, folks... try to keep this little white lie to yourselves, eh?

Also... this journal is not in a particularly good neighborhood. The ad said, "Commercial Space- Lots of potential! Perfect for Pawn Shop or LiveJournal! Centrally located near Bus Station." Great. Have you ever seen the folks that ride the bus? Makes Tod Browning's 'Freaks' look like the cast of 'Friends'. On my way in here, a guy offered me crack. Crack! Even if he gave it to me for free, I wouldn't know what to do with it. Do ya smoke it? Snort it? Lick it? All I know is that if the cops catch you with it, you tell them you're just "holding it for a friend." Or "What crack?" as they remove it from your pocket. I've watched FOX enough to know. (I lead a sheltered life.)

I really should have looked around a bit before setting up shop here...oh... hold on a sec... "What?...no..no it's NOT a Long John Silver's...I just haven't taken down the sign yet... Look, just get out of here dude... No, I swear I'm not frying shrimp..."

Dan's LiveJournal- 12 hours without an on-the-job accident *Safety First!*

Why a whole twelve hours without an on-the-job accident? Because I bought all of my employees swell construction helmets! Okay, it may have been an extravagance, and it drained most of our petty cash... but they're just fun to wear! I can't say everyone else is as jazzed about the new accoutrements...

"Petrik, put the helmet back on! No...I don't care that, 'It make your head so heavy', Suck it up! Just where the hell are you from, Petrik?"

Anyway... it took a while to get to the LiveJournal today since it had snowed last night. I tell ya, when we move this operation to Florida, I will NOT miss the snow. Why is it that every bonehead in an SUV thinks they can still go 70 miles an hour in a foot of snow? Gabbing on a cell phone, sipping a latté, making appointments on a Blackberry, all the while operating the steering wheel with one knee. Suddenly they find themselves wheels-skyward in a ditch on the side of the highway like a helpless turtle- surprised that the fella that sold them the $75,000 überWagon neglected to mention that so much attention had to be paid to the road. What did they spend all that money for then?

Anyhoo...I'm just sick of the snow. Frankly, there are only about three months of decent weather in New Jersey. Summers are too hot. Winters are too cold & icy. Spring and Fall are nice, but they only seem to last a scant couple of weeks. Folks in extreme climates, such as Alaska or Florida, simply get used to the weather. Their bodies build up a tolerance. Here, temperatures can jump a whole 30 degrees in a day. How can anyone get used to that? No wonder people think we Jerseyans are cranky...

"Petrik! Keep your friggin' helmet on! It's company policy! Please tell me what country you're from so I can find a suitable ethnic slur... HARASSMENT? Who taught you that word?"

Long John Silver's is Dead...Long Live Dan's LiveJournal !

My LiveJournal finally has a new sign! We had that Long John Silver's behemoth taken away, ( now I no longer have to deal with morons asking for clam strips.) They're installing the new sign as we speak. Let me remind you, our budget is stretched thinner than Rosie O'Donnell's men's underpants.– so I had to rely on my Uncle Morty to help me out. There was no way we could afford a new sign, so Morty scavenged some second-hand sign remnants from here and there.

The 'Journal' part of the sign was originally from the 'Journal Square Diner' in Jersey City. The 'Live' came from the, now-defunct, 'Live Nudes' place in Linden. I always wondered about those 'Live Nude' places...Were they competing with places that simply had 'nudes by telecast'? Sort of an Off-Track Betting parlour type of place where people are shouting at the TVs, "Yeah! Shake it Baby! Whooo!" Where would they put the dollar bills? Makes a lap dance rather tricky as well.

So, I'm outside looking at the sign now. It's sort of haphazard and clunky, but at least it conveys the message. Now, people will see the sign above the entrance and know this is my LiveJournal. We are truly open to the public! "Um...Morty? Why are sparks shooting out of the sign? I doubt it's supposed to do that. ...What do you mean, 'Who's the expert here?' It's certainly not YOU! You work in a bowling alley! Your formal training is in handing out rental shoes! ...oh don't walk away! C'mon! Fix the sign! Please? Alright, I'm telling Aunt Sophie!"

Anyway...*goes back in building*...I really shouldn't be so picky, but I'm trying to run a tight ship here... hold on..."Sheila, are you KNITTING?! You're supposed to be answering the e-mail! Put down those needles! ....and Günter...you're on proofreader duty, stop playing with that 'Game Boy'! No, Günter...D-U-T-Y....not proofreader DOODY! Stop giggling!" Man, I have to do everything myself around here. I'd fire them, but Günter's dad is friends with my dad, and Sheila's a smokin' hottie. True, I have very little shame left....Oh, wait a sec...a customer!

"Welcome to Dan's LiveJournal! Can I help you? ....what? The roof is on fire? Yeah..I'm familiar with that song. It was originally done by 'Rock Master Scott and the Dynamic Three' Definite old school... Wait, MY roof is on fire?!" Oh crap...the sign! Damn you Uncle Morty! Be right back...I need to go borrow a fire extinguisher from the gun shop across the street.

The Heat is On

...So I asked the gun shop owner if I could borrow his fire extinguisher... -He said there was a 3-day waiting period! It seemed the ATF had been keeping him under a close watch and he didn't want to take any chances. Moron! So, as I hurried back across the street, there was a raggedy homeless fellow with a shopping carriage full of junk waiting for me. By chance, he had a fire extinguisher! He offered to sell it to me for a hundred bucks. I asked him why he wanted so much- he said, "Supply and demand, pal." I had to be impressed with the shrewdness of a fella wearing old Christmas lights as a belt, but I didn't have a c-note, so I just knocked him down and TOOK the extinguisher. What could HE do to me?

Then, I pulled the pin, aimed at the flaming sign, and squeezed the handle....nothing! Nothing came out! I turned to see the homeless dude holding ANOTHER extinguisher! He said the extinguisher I took was just the FLOOR MODEL. For display purposes only. -What FLOOR? What DISPLAY? The guy's got a friggin' SHOPPING CARRIAGE!! God, I HATE this weird neighborhood!

I did manage to strike a deal with the homeless man, though. In exchange for the fire extinguisher, he gets to come in the LiveJournal to use the restroom whenever he wants. THAT should be good for business...

Well...the fire's out. The damage was minimal, save for the LiveJournal sign which will never light again. Only a charred, illegible chunk of busted neon and aluminum will mark where my poor LiveJournal stands. Perhaps I should put the 'Long John Silver's' sign back up. At least it garnered more foot traffic.

"No, Homeless Guy... you can't use the restroom sink to make your 'Hobo Stew'!"

I should have finished bartending school....

"...and the award for the most depressing LiveJournal entry goes to..."

I was considering not opening up the LiveJournal today...

It's just that I'm the only one here. Everyone else called out of work. Not that I need them, frankly. I do most of the work around here anyway. My staff is nothing but a crew of inept circus-monkeys.

I had been hearing rumblings about an Academy Awards party at Günter's house. I can't be sure though, because when I asked about it, everyone clammed up. Have I become THAT boss? The kind that people make fun of behind his back and not invite him to any parties? I don't wanna be that guy. I suppose it just comes with the mantle of responsibility though. A wholly accepted superior/subordinate dynamic. Hell, I never liked any of MY bosses. Back at my old job, I urinated in my manager's coffee. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if he wasn't holding the coffee at the time. But I REALLY didn't like him.

You know, I don't think there's a single job I could ever go back to. I've burned more bridges than...than...hmm...who burns a lot of bridges? The Vietcong? Lightning? Desperate trolls doing it for the insurance? Maybe I should stop making analogies without the proper basis for comparison.
But, I HAVE severed a lot of ties. No job I left, or was fired from, had ended in a warm handshake. It usually culminated in a shouting match, fisticuffs, or my weiner on the rim of someone's coffee mug. I suppose it's my general contempt for authority figures.

Maybe I should be a nicer boss...treat my employees better....quit calling them 'inept circus-monkeys'...

I should stop obsessing so much about this, but nobody likes feeling left out. You never grow out of it, you know. From not getting picked for kickball in 4th grade, to sitting alone in your LiveJournal while your employees are out buying beer and hot wings for a shindig at which you've been considered persona non-grata. *sigh*

I guess I can't blame the staff. Let 'em have their little 'employees-only' party. Maybe I'll just be nicer to them when they come back in on Monday. Show them it didn't bother me at all...oh...hold on...Homeless Guy's coming in to use the restroom...
"Hey, Homeless Guy. What's the word? What? You need to go get cleaned up for a PARTY? Who'd invite YOU to a party? Whaddya mean you CAN'T SAY?!"

Dammit!!!

That's it... On Monday, I'm replacing all their chairs and desks with milk crates and TV trays! I'll institute a polyester-only dress code! I'll move the break-room to the alley! That'll teach those inept circus-monkeys...

Any Suggestions?

I've decided to quit with the petty complaining and try to reach my employees by finding out what THEY think would improve their work experience at my LiveJournal. I've put a suggestion box in the break-room so, if they have any ideas, they can simply jot them down. Man, I'm a helluva guy! I'm not even taking any mood-elevators today.

As a matter of fact, let me check out the box right now...see if anyone made use of it.
*opens lid* Ah-ha! It's stuffed full! See? You give people a forum to express their ideas and they take to it like Michael Jackson to a Cub Scout. Let me read some of these...

'TV in the break room' -not a bad idea...It'll never happen, but at least I'm listening.

'Get Sheila to wear tighter tops' -heh...if I could, I would.

'Get Earl to quit staring at my boobs' -Well...that explains the last one.

'Tell the boss he's a douchebag' -Hey... I'M the boss!

'Remove porno magazines from restroom' -Okay, that's legit...potential sexual-harassment lawsuit.

'More porno magazines in the restroom, please!' -Hell, I don't even know where they came from in the first place.

'I not like the Friday work...the wife...me she want home...it crazy makes her. Me making sad.' -I'll have to assume that one's from Petrik.

'Whoever reads this is RETARDED!' -Dammit!

'Get NBC to bring back "Coupling"' -Even if I DID work at NBC, I wouldn't honor that suggestion.

What's this? It's a crumpled-up coupon for 'Quizno's' ...'buy one sub, get one free!' Well, this is dumb... *tucks in pocket*

'I farted in the suggestion box.' -Oh for cryin' out loud....

Was it too much to ask that people take this idea seriously? I was trying to extend an olive branch of peace, and they just jam it in my pee-hole! It's such a... Hold on..."What's this, Earl? Another suggestion? Okay, I'll read it..."

'Whoever reads this is SUPER-RETARDED!' -Double-dammit!! "Earl, you slippery turd!"

Spring? Where the Hell Are You, Motherf#@*er?!!

Snowed again. About six inches. And, here we are on the brink of Springtime. And you wonder why I want to move out of the 'Garden State'. If you're not from New Jersey, you have to understand how we Jerseyans laugh when we're referred to as the 'Garden State'. All our farmland is either being sold outright to folks who want to construct (even more) senior communities, or being appropriated in the name of eminent domain.

So, (surprise surprise), everyone called out of work today. I'm sure if it came right down to it, I could run this LiveJournal solo with relative ease. Why did I hire a proofreader, a fact-checker, an administrative assistant (oh for God's sake, Dan...stop being PC. She's a SECRETARY!) , a maintenance guy, and whatever else? I suppose I expected more business right off the bat... to become the Dunkin' Donuts of LiveJournals. I guess you can fault me and my renegade optimism.

Aah... you never know. This thing could turn around any day now. Folks'll be flocking to my LiveJournal just to get a whiff of my success. Could happen, right? Right? Hello?

So, here I stand...staring out at the drifting snow that makes any landscape, even this crappy burnt-out burg, worthy of a Norman Rockwell painting. Nature's tarp cleverly concealing the city's blight. The picturesque scene almost making me feel guilty that I was sipping from a pint-bottle of bourbon...(hey, it's been a rough week, okay?)

It's moments like these that make you think of renewal, of persistence, of man's indomitable potential to rise from the ashes... shake off his scaly shroud of skepticism, and make his bold cry to the powers-that-be... Hold on... Is that guy taking a DUMP on the sidewalk?! Oh, hell... he's actually pinching off a loaf right there in front of Bernie's Deli across the street! "Hey! Cut that out! No, don't wave at me! I'm not saying hello...aw geez..."

I'd like to retract my earlier statements...and if you don't mind, I need to step out for a bit. A trip to the liquor store is in order. Apparently a pint-bottle of bourbon was nowhere near enough. Watching that guy deposit that steamer was most likely the worst thing my eyes have ever seen...

Well... except for the movie, 'Drowning Mona'. I STILL have nightmares.

 

WHAT THE...???

Curious why I'm here so late? I decided to take the day off yesterday. After six days straight here at the LiveJournal, I thought I deserved it. But, apparently you can't leave these circus monkeys alone without them causing havoc...

I come in this morning to open up the journal, and I'm greeted with several inches of water on the floor. It seems they were playing some sort of, "What's flushable and what's not?" game.

There's pudding on the ceiling...PUDDING! They won't even explain that one...

I also had a visit from the owner of the liquor store across the way. He had been getting a bunch of crank calls from here. They weren't even clever crank calls...."Is a Mr. JACK DANIELS there?" "May I speak to JIM BEAM?" Also a garbled, "Want talking with the MISTER VODKAPANTS...?" (Petrik, no doubt).
Out of all the people they could piss off, I'd rather it not be the guy that supplies my daily medication. (I've developed quite the drinking problem after starting this business).

At some point, they let in a stray dog. It apparently relieved itself copiously on just about everything in the place. Now, don't get me wrong, I love dogs...I just don't particularly enjoy their squeezin's.

I also found Homeless Guy sleeping in the bathroom. Apparently he paid my crew in back issues of 'Teen People' in lieu of rent. Now the bathroom smells like...well..I don't even want to describe it...Worse than the dog mess.

So here I am... mopping the floor,(and part of the ceiling) and deodorizing the hell out of everything.

Aw geez...did that dog make a dookie under my desk?!

Nothing like the glitz & glamour of owning your own LiveJournal, eh?

"Dan's LiveJournal! Brought to you by...."

Finally lined up an advertiser to fund this little dream factory we call Dan's LiveJournal. It took some serious pavement-pounding, but I finally was able to hook up with someone as starry-eyed as myself, with an equally optimistic, entrepreneurial spirit.

His name's Van Cheroot and he has a little start-up fast-food place in Rahway called, "VAN'S FRIED JUNGO". What's "Jungo" you may ask? Go ahead, ask. C'mon. Hello? "No, I'm sure SOMEBODY'S listening to me! Shut up Earl! No....YOU suck!"

Anyhow... Jungo is a sort of deep-fried nugget of meat, with gravy drizzled on the top, served in various-sized buckets. (I've always been a sucker for any food served in a bucket). It's simply DELISH! Melts in your mouth! No foolin'! I asked him what's in the gravy, he said it's a 'mystery sauce'. Hey, I don't blame Van. You've got a great recipe, you don't want sneaky snakes ripping off your formula. I'm sure Colonel Sanders would agree.

I also inquired what sort of meat was in the Jungo nuggets. He said that was a secret as well. I'd like to say it tastes like chicken, but it doesn't- quite. Nor beef or fish. But hey, I'm sure I haven't sampled all the meats in the world.

So, now my LiveJournal has a decent budget. We can finally get those custom screen-printed tote-bags I've dreamt of. We can even stock up on toilet paper! The good stuff! (Homeless Guy's been pilfering most of it to wad into makeshift insulation for his cardboard shanty in the back alley). I can even get...

..."What? No Sheila, I'm NOT giving you a raise! Why? Because you don't do anything around here except yak on your cell phone and thumb through 'Vogue' magazines! You're saving up for what? BODY PIERCING? Um...where? Ohhhh..." *Takes cash from wallet* "Here's an advance on your salary... provided I get to see the finished result." *money is thrown back in face* "Aw c'mon! I think it's a sweet deal! Cash for a flash! Awwww crap."

If you get the chance, please stop by Van's place. It's on Rahway Ave, half a mile east of the prison. Just look for the sign with the steaming nugget! We'll soon provide a link to VAN'S FRIED JUNGO. Just remember their slogan...

"If you know what's in it, it ain't JUNGO!"

In your FACE, Burger King!

I am so jazzed! Jazzed as hell. Words can barely describe exactly the caliber of jazzitude I am currently immersed in.

I've just returned from VAN'S FRIED JUNGO, (our new sponsor), and business is booming. The place is jam-packed. Business for them means business for US. Dan's LiveJournal is on a rocketship to the stars with a deep-fried nose cone and fueled with Van's mystery sauce.

Even my crew here at Dan's LJ can feel the palpable electricity in the air. Right now, they're all chowing down on buckets of Van's Jungo. (Since they're our sponsor, it's all free!) My staff are all a bunch of moochers anyhow, so it works out well.

Anyhoo, I had some time to check out Van's menu. Pretty interesting. I've never seen a menu quite like it. I'm sure the place's popularity is partly due to Van's creative slant on cuisine.

Most fast-food joints serve fries on the side. Not Van's... His combo meals come with a side dish of FRITTER GOBS. Van says that they're more carb-friendly. I'm not sure what the precise composition of the Fritter Gobs is, but I'll take his word for it. Van Cheroot seems nothing if not honest.

He also appears to be aiming his menu towards a more adult crowd. What he calls his, 'Grown-up Meals' come with a choice of prizes that include either a tire-pressure gauge, a ribbed condom -with the VFJ logo emblazoned along the shaft, or a small packet of chewing tobacco. For the ladies, a pocket-sized, battery powered 'Southern Massager'. Haven't seen one yet, but it sounds relaxing!

I'm not sure he even likes children. It's cool...I'm not a fan either. But, he still was nice enough to offer kid's meals contained in what's called the 'Brat Bucket'. Their prizes include novelties that have small, easily-swallowed parts, sharp points, and may be constructed of materials that are either flammable, toxic, or slightly radioactive, (apparently there's a toy manufacturer in the Ukraine that has a whole different method of making toys glow in the dark).

So be sure to stop by VAN'S FRIED JUNGO in beautiful Rahway, New Jersey. Just down the road from the East State Penitentiary. Mention Dan's LiveJournal and get 10% off your order!

Remember Van's slogan..."If you know what's in it, it ain't JUNGO!"

Jungo Fever... Catch it!!!

Man, I loooove freebies!

We just received a carton of T-shirts and hats with the VAN'S FRIED JUNGO logo. If you're not up to speed, VFJ is the new sponsor currently footing most of the bill for Dan's LiveJournal. Good thing too, I was so close to letting a heroin dealer sub-let our space. I may be kidding about that last part, (for legal reasons).

So, we've got some cool new swag from our sponsor and am currently distributing the contents to my staff. "Hat and a shirt for you, Günter...and you, Earl....and you, Sheila....What? What do you mean you need a 'large' or 'extra-large' sized T-shirt? 'Small' is just fine! Can't get your chest into a 'small' you say? I bet you can! Go ahead... try it on! Just change in the restroom...What? No, I'm no pervert... I'm just an optimist! I know you can get in that T-shirt... maybe you might need some assistance..." *SLAP!* "Owwwwww..."
Hey, it was worth a shot. Can't blame a fella for tryin'...

Anyhow, Jungomania is still at a fever pitch here. Now that we get our Fried Jungo for free, we've all been eating it non-stop. Empty buckets are everywhere. Greasy residue of Jungo and Fritter Gobs coat nearly every surface in Dan's LiveJournal. I may have even put on five pounds since last week. Don't care. I love anything free & tasty. Even more than I love 'cheap & easy'. "What now? No, I wasn't looking at YOU when I said that, Sheila..." *wink*

Oh crap! Petrik is choking on a Jungo nugget! "Someone give him the Heimlich Maneuver! Nobody knows the Heimlich Maneuver?! Geeez..."

I'll check in later, I have to go wrap my arms around a doofus.

Why couldn't it be Sheila choking? Any random fondling could be chalked up to, 'medical assistance'.

God, I'm pathetic.

"We interrupt this LiveJournal to bring you an important announcement..."

People! Stay away from VAN'S FRIED JUNGO! Stay AWAY! I just got word minutes ago... the Jungo...it's...oh Lord....

IT'S MADE OF PEOPLE !!!!!

Van's Fried Jungo is nothing but deep-fried MAN! Hold on, now that I've told the LiveJornal audience, I have to inform my staff!

"Guys... don't eat the Jungo! The Jungo is made from HUMAN BEINGS!!! Earl, put the Jungo bucket DOWN! You're eating PEOPLE-MEAT! Spit it out! Everybody, drop the Jungo! I'm not kidding! ...What Sheila? No, I DON'T know how many calories MAN has. NO I don't think it fits into the 'South Beach Diet'!
Shouldn't you all be throwing up violently? I know I hurled mightily when I heard the news. You people are oddly at peace with this new revelation. I find it disturbing... Earl, I said PUT THE BUCKET DOWN! You sick bastard! I just said that you were eating fried HUMAN!!! Sweet merciful crap!"

Folks, I am deeply sorry! I had no idea Van Cheroot's secret recipe was DUDES! I don't think I can get anymore sickened than I already am...

"What, Günter? What do I suppose is in the 'Fritter Gobs' and 'Mystery Sauce'?"

Oh no...

"EARL! Put the goddamned bucket DOWN!!!"

A menu worthy of Alferd Packer

Anybody check out the news, today?

They had footage of, our sponsor, Van Cheroot being led away in handcuffs... His crime? Serving MAN, (not in the good way... the TWILIGHT ZONE way). If you didn't check the previous LJ entry, Our sponsor, Van Cheroot -proprietor of Van's Fried Jungo, was selling deep-fried PEOPLE to an unsuspecting public.... including yours truly. My staff here as well. I find it disconcerting that they seem less than alarmed about the cannibalism, and more upset about the end of free food.

According to the news reports, Van Cheroot was importing his 'product' from an outlet in Mexico called 'Carne del Hombre'. Anyone with even the loosest grasp of the Spanish language would have caught on, which makes me think that Mr. Cheroot knew all along what kind of meat he was getting.

'Carne del Hombre' was set up by a prison in Guanajuato who had a serious inmate overflow problem and chose a diabolical method of thinning the herd. They sold the meat dirt-cheap. Practically irresistible to the most disreputable restaurant proprietors. Makes me wonder if, somewhere in Guanajuato, there's a book of receipts with McDonald's name therein.

Van had stumbled upon 'Carne del Hombre's' advertisement in the back of 'Fast-Food Frugality' magazine and jumped at the opportunity.

Authorities are usually keeping an eye out for drugs and illegal aliens coming across the border. They never thought twice about crates of filleted and ice-packed 'Mexicans' slipping into our country.

Another disturbing discovery of note... I informed Homeless Guy that the leftover Jungo we were giving him was made from humans... he just replied, "I thought it tasted familiar."
Egad!

So, patrons of Dan's LiveJournal... once again, I must apologize for our affiliation with such a reprehensible sponsor. From here on in, I will screen our potential backers with the utmost diligence. Right now, I'm in negotiations with a company that sews clothing for the Kathie Lee Gifford line of apparel. A company called "Li'l Stitchers" ...Sounds adorable!

Wish me luck!

"LiveJournal owner in cannibalism scandal! News at eleven!"

Who said, "Any publicity is good publicity?" It's a steaming bucket o' bull! Let me explain why...

The media has been camped outside Dan's LiveJournal since yesterday. Apparently they found out that Van's Fried Jungo, (see previous entries), was our sponsor. They want to know if we were aware of Van's seedy practices and had played any role in his dealings.

Now they're digging into MY background! Thank you very much, stupid investigative journalism. In case you're wondering... YES, I'm extremely worried. I've got so many skeletons in my closet, I'm thinking of moving them to a mini-storage facility. There's a couple of things I don't want to be made public. Some of it might be blown out of proportion. Just in case you good folks hear some things, let me explain in advance...

...I was not aware I had joined a cult. I had thought 'Satan's Minions' was a biker club. Next thing you know it's all "worship this" and "sacrifice that" and "Kneel down and pay homage to the great horned beast" A guy can get swept up, ya know? Besides, the robes were quite nifty...

...The term 'lewd behavior' has been bandied about so much and has such deragatory connotations... I remember when it was simply called being a 'Peeping Tom'. And, that's not even what I was doing outside my ex-girlfriend's bathroom window. I had planted some lovely tulips on that side of the house and was retrieving them. My pants fell down on their own accord...

...Any reports about me that include the words 'drunk' or 'naked', and in most cases both, well... those stories are actually true. But you have to realize, it was a very depressing time in my life. The X-Files had just gone off the air...

...What else? Oh yeah... I might have gotten caught with ONE transvestite prostitute... His/Her Subaru was broken down and he/she needed a lift. Nothing sinful happened! I swear!

So now my staff and I are holed up in the LiveJournal... hoping these media jackals will just go away. As long as they have no information to feed on, they'll leave. Oh crap! They're interviewing Homeless Guy! What's that he's showing them? Oh no... it's the porno magazines I tossed out last week!

HEY! I didn't subscribe to 'Fat Juicy Tushies' ! It was a GIFT!

"Ssshhhhh! Don't tell anyone I'm here."

Hello folks... this LiveJournal entry is live from Smitty's Tavern next door. I came in through the back door so the media wouldn't see me.

"Hey Duncan! I'll take another Dewars if you don't mind..."
Duncan, the bartender here, is letting me hide out in the bar. He's rather sympathetic to my plight, (apparently he was a draft-dodger in the Sixties).

Don't quite know my next move yet. All the news channels are dissecting my life like a frog in a high school biology class.... well... a frog that's stuffed full of booze, porno, and low-priced hookers.

My employees were only too eager to sell out; dishing the dirt on me in exchange for ten bucks and a free appetizer voucher for T.G.I.Friday's. Let me read you the excerpts from these traitorous jerkbags' interviews....

(Earl): "Oh, Dan? You gotta keep your eye on that dude... He drinks like a fish, makes threats against the government, and I'm almost sure he's building a robot of some kind. An EVIL robot. One that might take down this stupid, corrupt government. Then, we'll see who messes with me... I mean... HIM.
He steals, too... I haven't seen my cell phone in days."

(Sheila): "He's not a bad boss... Just kinda creepy. Sometimes, It feels like he's undressing me with his eyes. I also think he stole my cell phone."

(Günter): "I say the guy's alright. I also like the way he undresses me with his eyes. Although, I think he stole my cell phone."

(Petrik): "Boss-man is fine man. He tell me always he wish I go back to my country. I wish this, too. Petrik has dreams. He nice boss-man. Smelling always like... what is word? ...oh... smelling like LIQUOR he does. He such fancy American! You want buy cell-phone? Three I have."

Idiots! I wonder if I can fire them? Probably not while I'm under the media's microscope. I don't need to come off looking worse than I already do. I also doubt my crew's opinions are really going to be taken seriously...

"Hey Duncan... is that today's paper? I made the HEADLINE? What's it say? 'Alcoholic, Commie, Pervert Thief Builds Evil Robot! -Is Anyone Safe?' Oh for criminy's sake..."

"Duncan? Refill please... make it a double... no... a triple! Hell, just leave the bottle!"

Son-of-a-bitches! If only I had an evil robot....

Mulling my options...

Hey guys... I'm still here at Smitty's.

Been watching the T.V. Seems that our old pal, Van Cheroot, is trying to push some of the blame on me. I can only assume they offered him a reduced sentence in exchange for testifying against me. Doesn't anyone realize I wasn't the guy selling deep-fried, man-meat to the public?! We just advertised for him on our LiveJournal!
*finishes drink* "Duncan! Another bottle of your brownest liquor, please!"

At least the hooch is calming my nerves. Best cure-all in the world!

You know, I just wanted to open up a little LiveJournal. Live the simple life. Maybe get a little bit of notoriety... but not like THIS. Everybody's all up in my business. I should have taken the money I used for the LiveJournal and opened a nice frozen yogurt shop. Who doesn't like frozen yogurt? Nobody! Frozen yogurt is the future, baby! Not this LiveJournaling horseturd...
Hoo boy... I may be on the verge of getting drunk. Cool.

"What's that, Duncan? You had a business that failed, too? What was it? PIMPING? Oh... well... uh... sorry it didn't work out for you. Bitches didn't respect you, you say? I can understand that. Your bitches don't respect you, you ain't got squat."

I'm still young... Maybe I should try pimping.

Get me some bitches.

"Is it Tuesday afternoon already?"

Hey gang...

I'm reporting from Smitty's. Why am I here again? Well, I actually never left. Duncan's letting me use the apartment above the bar. I awoke Easter morning face-to-face with what may be the result of cross-breeding a rat and a grizzly bear. I screamed... he screamed... then I screamed again after hearing the bone-chilling cry of the GrizzlyRat. I had a whopping hangover as well. If the Easter Bunny had any compassion, he would have left a basket full of aspirin and rat poison... (hopefully, both would be clearly labeled to avoid mix-ups).

Fortunately, it's a small clientele here at Smitty's. Nobody here's going to sell me out to the media, who are STILL camped outside Dan's LiveJournal. I may have to face the music soon and just issue a statement. I really should... Not that I don't love the drinking for 3 days straight, but I really need some fresh air. This place has sort of a stale vomit and sawdust odor. Reminds me of my old girlfriend who operated the Tilt-a-Whirl at Bowcraft Amusement Park, (She could open a beer with what was left of her teeth!). Just a super gal.

Anyway, I just realized that the answers to my troubles are NOT in the bottom of this empty bottle of bourbon!

But, they COULD be in the next one... "Duncan! I'll have another Kentucky's Finest Swill, please!"

The Heat is Off ...for now

Okay campers... I've crawled out of the bottle long enough to address the authorities and the media. Wasn't quite as bad as I expected. I think it's become clear to all that Van Cheroot was playing me as a patsy. (never been a patsy before...weird). All receipts and paperwork pinpoint him as the deep-fried people-pusher, and cleared me from all charges of forced cannibalism. (If you're really confused about all this, please refer to the archives. This is an awkward 'diving in' point to Dan's LiveJournal).

As for my staff, (who'd apparently throw me to the wolves in exchange for a basket of curly fries...) I've decided to forgive them for now. Because, A: I'm not really in the mood to hire anyone new right now.
And B: I need time to plot a proper revenge. That takes quite a bit of thought. I was considering spiking the watercooler with a sedative and sticking them in a van bound for Tijuana. Still mulling it over.

So, Monday we get a fresh start. We'll try to forget about all the backstabbing and flesh-eating and concentrate on the future. I also need to find a new sponsor... our funds are horribly depleted. After the whole FRIED JUNGO incident, seedy businesses have oozed out of the woodwork to cash in on Dan's LiveJournal's infamously loose moral fiber.
Companies of dubious ilk such as...

'WEE PUFFERS' (It's a cigarette aimed towards KIDS! The mascot is a puppet dubbed "Mookie Menthol" that bears a uncanny resemblance to 'Sesame Street's' Elmo, with a butt dangling from his furry lips).

Makers of the video game, "HO-BOINKERS". Special moves include: the 'Pimp-slap', the 'Money Shot', and the 'Bend over and take it, B*tch!' ...Move over, 'Grand Theft Auto'..

And... 'White Castle'.

Well... If Martha Stewart, Bill Clinton, and Lizzie Grubman can survive the scandals, surely a humble proprietor of a small LiveJournal can prosper in the face of public scrutiny... right?
Riiiight?

Hello?

Don't Call it a Comeback... I've been here for years

Well... I'm back here at Dan's LiveJournal like nothing ever happened. I'm just relieved all the Jungo nonsense has finally subsided, and Van Cheroot will just be a creepy footnote in oddball history.

The staff hasn't upset me too much today. I suppose they're letting me settle in before they find new ways to tweak me the hell off.

So, what did I learn from this whole debacle? I guess I've learned to screen my sponsors more thoroughly...

...to not trust the media OR my staff

...that Smitty's is an excellent place to get hammered while on the lam...Keep it in mind!

...and that deep-fried human meat, (while disturbingly savory), is wrong, wrong, wrong!

And here I was, thinking nobody cared about my return... Homeless Guy's here with some sort of greeting card!
"Hey H.G.! *takes card* Thanks!" Oh... it's not so much a card as it is a folded strip-club flyer with something written in crayon. What's it say, here...?

"Sorry I used your staple remover to pop my ass-boils while you were gone."

Oh, dear lord... That's disgusting! I USED my staple remover today, too! "Damn you, Homeless Guy! UGH! This is why Hallmark doesn't make 'ass-boil' cards! They're poorly received! ...what? Oh SURE I'll accept your apology! I'll be sure to write my acceptance on the back of a restraining order, ya freak!"

Anyone needs me, I'll be at Smitty's

*Will run LiveJournal for FOOD*

Had a little staff meeting today with the half-wit brigade. I thought if we all put our heads together, we could come up with ways to put some coinage in our coffers. Maybe not the best idea for this crowd. They don't respond well to 'thought-challenges'. I'll share with you a few of the fund-raising ideas my crew had suggested.

Günter: –Put on a fabulous show! (I think Günter is borrowing from 'I Love Lucy')

Sharon: -Have a garage sale. (What exactly would we sell? We have nothing. We'd have to steal stuff to sell! And if we were any good at stealing, we wouldn't be having a fund-raising meeting.)

Earl: -Allow porno filmmakers to use office as a set. (That's just a crude suggestion!) *scribbles on pad* 'Remember to call dirty movie people'

Petrik: -Start goat farm. Goat good for many thing. For food... for clothes... for touchie-touchie when lonely time make Petrik sad in pants.
(Did I mention how Petrik freaks me out?)

Günter: -Write a letter to Oprah. Tell her that I'm dying, and that Sharon has an eight year old daughter addicted to cocaine. She might be sympathetic and send cash. Maybe she'll have us on the show! Do ya think? Wow! (I'm starting to question Günter's sexual orientation. It may well explain why he bought me several pairs of rather snug jeans last month.)

Sharon: -We can become representatives for Mary Kay Cosmetics. (HELL no! They're almost as sick a corporation as Van's Fried Jungo!)

Earl: -Sell Sharon's panties on eBay. We'll just need photos of her wearing them, and some samples... (Needless to say, Sharon whacked Earl in the nuggets with the office phone.)

Petrik: - ¿ Goat farm ?

Oh well. Maybe it was a wrong move to include the crew in the decision process. I only ripped off the idea from a management seminar I attended. Okay, I didn't actually mean to go to this seminar. I just stumbled into a banquet room at the Radisson. I had just come from the hotel bar and I thought it was the john. I only stayed because the motivational speaker was hot. She was a smart cookie too. The seminar was quite informative until I vomited during the "Pyramid of Cooperation". You see... it's sort of a human pyramid... and I was at the top and... well...

Anyway...
I'm going to have to come up with some cash soon, or this LiveJournal's going to be hauled away by the 'repo men'... "What's that, Petrik? You say you want to give BACK your weekly pay? That's a heck of a gesture, pal... but no need. Just put your wallet away. Hold on... Is that a picture of a GOAT in your wallet? Ew!" *shudder*

Do you wonder why I drink?

Someone get me a drum barrel of sanitizer....

Have I mentioned that my staff was a bunch of inept circus monkeys?

Things haven't changed.

So, I return from a brief vacation to find out my employees had rented out Dan's LiveJournal as a BROTHEL! Risky Business movie-style. Apparently Earl was in a strip club one night and had mentioned to his lapdancer that he had an office space all alone for a week. It gave Jasmine Juggs an idea to make some extra bucks. So, she and her friends made a deal with Earl to set up shop in MY SHOP!!!

It was quite a scene when I walked in there. I won't go into great detail.... Unless you want great detail. If so, please send $20 with your name and address to...

Sordid LiveJournal Details
P.O. Box 843734
Hermannville, NJ, 08989

Anyway, Sharon was playing Madam when I walked in, (Ever hear the phrase about 'water seeking out it's own level?'). She seemed happier than I had ever seen her. A Heidi Fleiss in the making. Although, she said she took no part in the whoring. I think Sharon likes the idea of getting the money for sex, without the sex. Not a bad deal.
Earl was getting his "cut" of the profits in the copy room, in some sort of S&M fetish type thing. Ball-gag in the mouth and covered in maple syrup... I don't know what fantasy that fulfills, but to each his own... just not in my LiveJournal!

Günter had on makeup and fishnet stockings. Apparently he wanted a more 'involved' role in the prostitution. Egad.
And Petrik? Petrik was hiding in the bathroom the whole time, scared out of his gourd. He told me, "Ladies make tight pant-making... Wife no find out or Petrik get 'shtropkt'!" I don't know precisely what the exact translation of 'shtropkt' may be, but from the hand gesture he made, no man would desire such a thing.

Anyway, too stressed to discuss this travesty any further. I will check in soon with more of the tale... Oh, wait... Homeless Guy's coming in...

"What, Homeless Guy? No, the hookers aren't coming back! How the hell you expect to pay them anyhow?

No, I doubt they would have accepted 'Marlboro Miles'..."

Tabula Rasa

Okay... new day... starting from scratch.

I have decided to overlook the transgressions of my employees and their choice to use Dan's LiveJournal as a brothel. (See previous entry)

Why have I chosen forgiveness over vengeance? Well, sometimes you should try to find the good in others. Sometimes acceptance is the best policy. Sometimes life's daunting trials shape us into stronger, well-adjusted individuals...

And sometimes you get a cut from the brothel's profits.

50% goes to the house? Who knew? Frankly I'm surprised my crew even bothered to hand over the money they accrued, but I suppose it was guilt...

–or several incriminating cell-phone pics I had taken. I guess we'll never know.

So, the profits will go to advertising, petty cash, and a brand new office desk for me.
(I can't hold onto a desk that I saw Earl lashed to, and summarily spanked with a clipboard. Eeugh.)

Man! You ever need a fund-raiser, get some hookers! Nothing like a Whore Drive to fill the coffers. Maybe I'll refer Ms. Juggs to the struggling bookstore down the road.

LiveJournal Temporarily Closed Due to THE MAN

First off... let me offer mucho apologies for not updating in over a month. Why haven't I? you may ask... Okay... fine. Don't ask. See if I care.

Anyway, the reason for the lack of updates is that Dan's LiveJournal was seized by police in a mid-afternoon raid. It was awful. They threatened to revoke Petrik's green card and they frisked Sheila for an inordinate amount of time. I'd feel bad if she didn't seem to enjoy it so much.

The cops were working off an anonymous tip that we were a drop-off point for a large heroin delivery, (I guess it's not shocking when you consider our location. We're about as urban as urban gets.)

So, they tore up the joint. The computers, the desks, the fridge... they even searched inside the leftover Chinese food! (yes, officer... our heroin shipment arrived in the pint of sweet & sour pork)

The last month was spent doing cleanup and restoration. Fun, fun, fun. I'm actually surprised the crew all came back. It speaks to their character, (or lack of it), when you consider that they couldn't find new jobs in over a month. So I re-hired their unemployable asses. What else could I do? I'm a humanitarian.

...and they work cheap.

I bought all new computers. well... new-ish. I think the computers are made by the same company that makes toaster pastries.

I'm glad to be back, though. Even Homeless Guy's pleased... he finally gets to use our bathroom again. He said he was tired of poopin' in the alley.

Who wouldn't be?

It's gonna be a hell of a summer!

Peace out.

Anyone ever see the movie, 'Willard'?

We've got rats.

No joking. Big, ugly rats. Scurrying across the floor, gnawing through electrical cords, crapping in the cupboard... oodles of fun.

How did they get here? Well, Petrik, (who has a bizarre affinity for animals. When he talks about them, he gets a dreamy look in his eyes. So very twisted) has been feeding one that hangs around his desk. Apparently this info swept through the rodent telegraph and, BANGO! Infestation.

I'm a little less worried since Günter said he knows exactly how to get rid of them. He left about an hour ago. No doubt to get some poison or traps or what-not.

Oh, here he comes now... wheeling in a big... crate? What the?

"Günter! What's in the... No... don't open it until... Holy Lord in a burrito wrap! Where did you get all those CATS??!!"

I gotta go... I need to go find an exterminator that'll get rid of rats and cats... and I'll pay extra to take care of Günter as well.

"Petrik! Stop rubbing those cats on yourself! Have some restraint for criminy's sake!

Warm & Fuzzy Feelin'

Finally got rid of the rats. And the cats. Had to close down for a couple weeks. Now we are critter-free, but it seems we have a new infestation....

PETA freaks.

Word got out about our little extermination, and the animal activists came out in droves. They are still picketing outside the LiveJournal. Bearing signs and placards that say, "Ban Dan's DEATHJournal!", "Rats are people too!" (????), and "Stop the madness of indiscriminate execution of innocent mammals who can't defend themselves against human tormentors who think nothing of murdering harmless creatures just because they feel like it!"– (Apparently penned by a rookie protester. Those signs have to be a little more concise.)

Now I love animals as much as the next guy... (unless the next guy is Petrik– who still has a photo of a goat wearing a negligée in his wallet), but this extremism has got to stop! So far, they have tossed fake blood on Sheila's leather boots, (which I will never hear the end of), scrawled 'Kitty Killer' on the hood of my car, (lowering it's Blue-Book value to $150 from the previous $235), and now they're hanging me in effigy. Doesn't look too bad, frankly. It's really a depressing day when the effigy is wearing more expensive pants than I ever have.

It's a scary mob out there. They look like they... hold on... Is that Homeless Guy out there, joining in the picketing? Oh... he's not picketing. He's pick-POCKETING.

Taking advantage of a crowd of bunny-huggers...

I never loved that smelly old man more.

Life's a Gamble...

Came into the LiveJournal today to catch up on some paperwork, and what do I find? My numbskull staff holding a POKER GAME! Why does this infuriate me so?

A: I don't remember giving anybody a key.

B: There's several people here I don't know.

C: Many of those people are what could best be described as "shady". There's a guy with an eye patch, (Not that that's shady in and of itself... but he has a matching T-shirt that reads, "Don't say shit about my eye patch!" Lighten up, Winky.) A guy with scars on his face and fingers totaling, seven. Makes you wonder how he had come into such shape. (I'm betting it wasn't yanking infants from the maw of a crocodile.) And there's a fella who doesn't say much. He just quietly drums his fingers upon the butt of his holstered gun, (As if at any moment it may suddenly become "un-holstered"). And there are also several prostitutes scattered around the place. No doubt, accompanying the new clientele. (I swear, this place seems to a be a hooker magnet {see previous posts}. We get more Hos than Home Depot!)

D: I wasn't invited.

I have to assume that the half-wits in my employ have gotten in over their heads with this fiasco, because there's a hefty sum of money in the pot, and Earl is sweating like Michael Jackson at McDonald's Playland. I think he may have bet more than he can afford. Might he win the hand? The hidden aces resting in Eye Patch's lap tell me 'Hell no". Will I call out the obvious cheat? Hell no.

Things are getting hella-tense. I shall return for further updates.

A Dream Dismembered...

Almost took another job and was going to chuck this whole half-assed LJ company to the wayside. Leave my idiot employees to fend for themselves as I moved on to greener pastures...

Nothing ever pans out for me, man.

I had it all set up. A brand-spanking new LiveJournal site in a terrific neighborhood, (not like this demilitarized zone where we currently reside), potential employees with resumés so sparkling you'd think they fell out of David Bowie's ass, and reputable advertisers with legit products, (remember the "Fried Jungo" catastrophe?).

I was curious to know why the rent on the LJ space was so reasonable. I found out why.

I should have done some research. Only a couple blocks away, a dastardly mega-company is setting up a new site. The "Wal-Mart LiveJournal SuperCenter & Taco Bell".

Great. I have no hope of competing. I've seen them eat Mom & Pop blogs alive, dude.

I can only take comfort in the fact that they pay their workers less than I do, (hard to believe).

So, I guess we'll be staying here in Crapburg, NJ for now.... stuck with my bumbling underlings. At least I have underlings...

Hold on...

"What's that, Petrik? What? Unionizing? No we're not unionizing! Who told you about that? Earl?! Aw geez..."

I gotta go.

"Earl! Stop handing out those pro-union brochures!"